One Year Without You

 Today marks a whole year, and not much has changed. There's nothing in the world that can fill the gaps that you have left in our lives. It took me a whole year to realize that no amount of anything can make me feel better after losing you. I've rearranged my room five times, I've bought new couches, rearranged the furniture in my house ten times, hyper-fixated on new hobbies, cleaned out my front and side yard, bought a new coffee machine, bought myself the computer I've always wanted, rescued animals, rescued plants, gone out of town, ate the best food, built lego sets, just bought an assortment of things I believed would make me feel better but didn't. Only to realize nothing can fill the void that you left. Only to find myself sitting in the garage filled with your belongings, crying. Because I know I will never have you back, and nothing will ease that reality. I've endured a lot of things in my short lifetime, but nothing has made me buckle at the knees the way losing my brother did.

I know a lot of people expect myself and my family to be 'over it', but I don't think we will ever be.

The thing about my family, is yes we would get mad and fight but not for long. We couldn't go months or even weeks without talking to each other. We knew it wasn't right. We would always apologize and make up. We were too close, and loved each other too much to hold grudges. We were apart of each others lives all our lives. We talked daily, constantly. We would see each other weekly. We laughed more than we did anything else. My siblings and I have had our fair share of friendships, and relationships come to an end, but we always knew we would be one another's constant. We were the one things in each others lives that was permanent, all of us. So I hope that puts into perspective what a detrimental loss this has been.

I love my brother, and I love my family.

Today, is the day I feel is hardest to stomach. Hardest to grasp that it's been an entire year facing this gut wrenching truth. My brother won't coexist on this earth with us anymore. The person in me that only my brother brought out won't exist ever again, and that is hard to live with. I still question why it happened, or even why God would let it happen. I get angry, sad, depressed, anxious, lethargic, hopeless, every emotion you can think of.