State of Duress

 I feel so broken and lost.

In my relationship.

I feel cornered into submission.

I feel like I am just so numb to what life has done to me that I'm just here taking it.

I feel things are unjust, I don't feel okay about them.

But I have to deal with it or leave.

Right now leaving isn't an option.

I hate to think I need to devise an exit plan.

I'm not sure there's any other way.

I hate to think that the only thing I will ever experience is this torture. 

I've never had a loving and honest partner.

There has always been deceit, betrayal, cheating, lying, abusing.

Nothing has ever been normal.

WHY?

Why can't I ever have someone good?

A victims mentality he says.

There's a lump in my throat because I'm trying not to cry about this life I have chosen to continue on with.

This is the bed I have made. 

I sleep next to someone who has done nothing but hurt me.

He's a little more smarter than my last ones.

I'm just stupid, and that's all that he's see's me as.

I think I want to publish my book before I decide to finally take my own life.

And let the world know about the monsters that I have loved, and that have just used me.

I don't know.

I never know what's real. 

I never know what fake.

I have terrible judgement.

Ive watched men cry and turn there back, and stab me.

Every time I think something is going good, the person I'm with goes and gives me a reality check letting me know that it's not.

They let me know that I'm delusional, after convincing me that I am crazy.