Raulito

 I never thought it would be you.

I never thought you were going to be the one to die.

I always thought and hoped it was me.

But it was you instead...

Raulito.

I love you more than you will ever know, I love you more than I ever knew.

I'm trying to write this without crying, but I'm grieving so I get a pass right?

I can't contain myself or my sadness most days.

Most days I'm okay, but I'll pass by that bar you used to frequent and then just feel the tears stream down my face uncontrollably. 

Even worse, I'll just be driving then seen that Subaru WRX and lose it.

Everyday on my way to work, I still drive past that part of the freeway.

The part of the freeway that I received the news, that you were gone.

I made Gilberto pull over on the side of the freeway so I could get out and scream at the top of my lungs.

In agony, in fucking AGONIZING PAIN. My heart was shattered in that moment. I felt suffocated like I couldn't breathe, and I was trapped. I had to get out of the car, so I ripped off my seat belt and squirmed in discomfort. No position I held was going to alleviate the thousand knives that were piercing every fiber of my being. I tried to scream in the car, because I felt it in the back of my throat but I couldn't. When I tried Nora got scared and she started crying. So I screamed at Gilberto to pull over. I felt sick, I felt nauseous. I screamed because in those few seconds earth was out of orbit for my life, and for my family. The air felt different, there was a thickness that with every inhale was a knot in your throat and a punch in the gut. I got back in the car, and squirmed in discomfort and just sobbed. "He's gone Mudder, he's dead." just kept repeating in my head. My sister got the news first. 

I know I'm telling this very backwards, but that's how my brain works right now.

I couldn't sleep all night that night, Nora wouldn't sleep. I spent my night until 2 or 3 a.m. in the living room trying to rock her to sleep. She finally went down, and I had made up my mind I wasn't going to go into work. My mom had called me early in the morning asking if I had heard from my brother. I hadn't. So she was telling me that my dad was upset that he had never came home, and that my dad was going to kick him out (assuming he was just being irresponsible and on a bender). Although my mom had been through this before, my brother knew better. he knew that he had to be home to take Mana to school. He always was. He would race home before my mom left for work at 3 a.m. so she wouldn't get mad lol. He never stay out past that especially when he had Mana. So knowing my dad was upset, my mom started a group chat with only my sister and I. Because she knew something wasn't right and we were going to be the ones to find out. So of course, my sister and I started doing our digging and messaging his friends to see if they had heard from him. Which they did, and they let us know the last time they had seen him etc. Something felt wrong, there was a weird feeling in my stomach and it didn't feel right. My sister had sent his last know location, which was at some condos in Palm Springs. My first thought, was okay he's with some girl or something and overslept. Then my mom started panicking and said what if he was drugged or something. So then I started thinking the same things too. I work in Palm Springs, his location wasn't too far from my place of work. So I told my mom I was going to go look for my brother at those condos and just knock on every door there until I find him. So Gilberto and I packed up, and left to go find him at these condos. I honestly thought I was going to find his car parked at those condos and him just be passed out at someone house there. Anyways as we are driving I'm on the phone with my sister letting her know, and my mom too. To see what new information they have got. All between that my dad calls me because my sister isn't answering the phone. Two sheriffs showed up to their front door, and my dad called me to ask why would sheriffs be there. So my first thought was damn he's probably in trouble or in jail, or maybe he did a hit and run. So I turn to Gilberto and ask him what it means when two sheriffs show up to your house, he kind of looked at me very seriously and just said "nothing good". My heart sank, so I told my dad I would try calling my sister to find out what was going on and anxiously my dad said okay. His voice was panicked, in a way I had never heard. I immediately called my sister, and she answered sobbing. "Mudder he's gone" 

"What are you talking about, what do you mean?!"

 "Mudder he's gone, he's dead. The sheriff's came and they said he drove off the road and crashed into a wall and his car caught on fire and he burned!!!" 

"No Arlene No" 

"Yes Mudder, Raulito is dead he is gone, mom's calling me I'll call you back"

And when she hung up is when I lost it. After having my moment on the freeway, I just told Gilberto to take me to my mom's house. I just cried and sobbed and whaled the whole drive over there. It was a quiet ride. Gilberto just let me be. Even as I gagged, and continued to almost throw up in the car. As soon as we got to my parents house and got out of the car, I looked at Gilberto and said "I can't be a mom today". Because I couldn't. No part of me could exist that day. I couldn't be present. I was there but I wasn't there, I was inside my body, but not participating. Family came, friends came, everybody came except my brother. 

March 24, 2023

The day I lost my brother.

I will write more another time, but for now this is all.