this time around

i am giving 'US' another shot i suppose.
whoever is reading this along with all my last post is probably rolling their eyes and trying to commit suicide.
yeah, yeah, me too.

honestly idk what to do.
i feel as if i'm acting on impulse, i bit off more than i can chew.
i'm supposed to be moving on Saturday, but i mean it's just a mess.
the whole situation, how regardless of the fact that i'm an adult my choice is still coming with consequences?
are you serious?
indeed i am.

if it is not to my parents liking, they will isolate me from their lives.
which sucks, and i do not consider 'christian' like or well loving.
because of my choice they are not going to talk to me as much, not going to call.
i really have nothing to bitch about because my relationship with my dad is shitty anyways so i can really give a shit less, but my mom, she is really all i care about.

honestly, i'm torn between well Leo, and like my happiness.
i can say that i haven't been in 'love' with him in like forever, like i'm not in love.
he's just what i'm used to, or actually 'who' i'm used to.
routine and comfort. nothing more nothing less.
and i'm sacrificing my happiness and my relationship with my family for him.
just like i did last year when i met him.
did he notice or care? NO.
did he treat me like a queen? NO.
does he cherrish me? NO
does he treat me like shit? YES.
does he take me for granted? YES.
does he make me cry on a daily basis? YES.
wtf am i still doing with him? idk.
i really don't, well actually i do. i feel sorry for him, that he has nothing that i do, or my family.
and i know for a fact that if i leave him, he will die or go to jail.
i feel like i'm the only one who gives a shit about him because honestly, no one else does.
they say "every man for himself", well yeah that's true, but idk there are certain people i just can't let go.
and him being the father of my child doesn't help at all.
idk, i'm giving this whole us living together a shot, and if it doesn't work out, then hey atleast i know i tried.
and it won't be eating me up inside drowning me in guilt knowing that i never did.

and as for my stupid dad, well he's ridiculous.
he's trying to get people from Coachella to beat up Leo, and he's wants to jump him when he see's him.
i understand that you're pissed at him for telling my mom off, but if he apologized you need to get over it.
shit, i had to live with your ass when you tried to fucking fight me? you would beat me when you were mad? and when you dated that 16 year old and you were like fucking 35 or 36? and when you left your family and divorced your wife to play World Of Warcraft? and when you'd tell me how much of a piece of shit i am and you're ashamed to have me as your daughter? the list can go on.
not only did i have to live with you, but i had to listen to you.
i was forced to be civil.
because unfortunately you're my father.
and there's nothing i can fucking do about it.
i hate you dad, i always have, and i always will.
two years of you being back will never patch up the damage that you've caused internally.
the moral of the story is, if you lay a hand on him me being with him or not, i will never talk to you again.

As much as my mother believes Leo is 'taking me away' and 'has me under a spell', well she should really look in the mirror.
she's been under his spell for what over 22 years? and you're still stuck, 4 kids later.
don't give me advice when you can't take your own.

it's September 11th

and i know of no one who was in the twin towers, but i do have sympathy for those who lost their lives on such a day...

anyways there was my mind tribute, well it's been like over a month since i've updated this so here i EXPLODE
i am now single, yes which meaning i was back with Leo, we were trying again and again and like always it's a failed attempt.
i swear our relationship is like chasing wind, you can't see it but you keep going after it, when in reality it's nothing to be felt, because nothing is there but air.
yeah that pretty much sums up my relationship.
like i swear it's routine that brings me back, routine and sympathy for his living situation, but he can get out, he just choses not to.
and it always ends up being my fault.
i wanted to be with him to an extent, but i mean one day he loves me the next day "you're such a fucking bitch blah blah blah"
all because i was messaging some guy on tumblr about NOTHING promiscuous what-so-ever!
and i'm such a whore, i want to be with that guy, it was completely innocent conversation.
SORRY I'M NOT LIKE YOU LEO!
I don't message girls low key telling them how cute they are and getting there numbers and being with them in person, FORGIVE ME FOR NOT BEING LIKE YOU.
and yet i must forget about all you've done and continue to do to me?
yet it's okay when you bring up those stupid messages i was writing to that guy day after day?
and it's okay that we fight about it, and you call me a bitch and a whore, after i fucked you and cooked your ass breakfast? AND ITS OKAY?????????????????????????????????
i swear you have no idea what i do for you, i don't mean shit to you.
you are bi-polar or something, like you loved me yesterday and the day before and today, i'm a fucking bitch and you're sick of my shit?
well wtf did i do to you?
like really?
stay home day and night taking care of MY daughter while you roam the streets with your friends?
it's a double standard thing you got going on in your head and in your heart.

i went to church yesterday and i actually listened i let it sink in and absorbed it.
our relationship is sick.
it's not normal, what i think is normal is not normal, what is normal i find foreign.
how sad is that?
in my mind being treated good and respected is foreign to me, consistency and kindness is foreign to me.
well for the billionth time i'm tired of it, and not on that but the other day when we were fighting, and i blocked you from leaving you pushed me while i had the baby, and you raised your hand like you were gonna hit me or something, i seen it in your eyes, you wanted to.

i know i've said this over and over, that it's really over, but it is.
it is.