it's September 11th

and i know of no one who was in the twin towers, but i do have sympathy for those who lost their lives on such a day...

anyways there was my mind tribute, well it's been like over a month since i've updated this so here i EXPLODE
i am now single, yes which meaning i was back with Leo, we were trying again and again and like always it's a failed attempt.
i swear our relationship is like chasing wind, you can't see it but you keep going after it, when in reality it's nothing to be felt, because nothing is there but air.
yeah that pretty much sums up my relationship.
like i swear it's routine that brings me back, routine and sympathy for his living situation, but he can get out, he just choses not to.
and it always ends up being my fault.
i wanted to be with him to an extent, but i mean one day he loves me the next day "you're such a fucking bitch blah blah blah"
all because i was messaging some guy on tumblr about NOTHING promiscuous what-so-ever!
and i'm such a whore, i want to be with that guy, it was completely innocent conversation.
SORRY I'M NOT LIKE YOU LEO!
I don't message girls low key telling them how cute they are and getting there numbers and being with them in person, FORGIVE ME FOR NOT BEING LIKE YOU.
and yet i must forget about all you've done and continue to do to me?
yet it's okay when you bring up those stupid messages i was writing to that guy day after day?
and it's okay that we fight about it, and you call me a bitch and a whore, after i fucked you and cooked your ass breakfast? AND ITS OKAY?????????????????????????????????
i swear you have no idea what i do for you, i don't mean shit to you.
you are bi-polar or something, like you loved me yesterday and the day before and today, i'm a fucking bitch and you're sick of my shit?
well wtf did i do to you?
like really?
stay home day and night taking care of MY daughter while you roam the streets with your friends?
it's a double standard thing you got going on in your head and in your heart.

i went to church yesterday and i actually listened i let it sink in and absorbed it.
our relationship is sick.
it's not normal, what i think is normal is not normal, what is normal i find foreign.
how sad is that?
in my mind being treated good and respected is foreign to me, consistency and kindness is foreign to me.
well for the billionth time i'm tired of it, and not on that but the other day when we were fighting, and i blocked you from leaving you pushed me while i had the baby, and you raised your hand like you were gonna hit me or something, i seen it in your eyes, you wanted to.

i know i've said this over and over, that it's really over, but it is.
it is.