that was then and this is now.

oh well God, if only i knew where exactly to begin.
well lets just say i'm crying right now because i have no one to talk to and that's exactly what i need, so here you go cyber journal, take all my emotional vomit since i have no one else who cares!

well nothing has really changed to be honest, since my last entry everything is pretty accurate.
Leo and i are still broken up and have been since that day, but it doesn't mean we haven't tried to get back together, well i was the only one really trying anyways.
i honestly hate myself for even trying with him, he is so disrespectful to me in every way, shape, and form.
like when we first got together over a year ago it was amazing, when i got pregnant it was difficult and i cried alot, and now it's fucking horrible and i hate him more and more every day.
that pretty much sums it all up without fabricating my true feelings.
yeah i do try to make it work because i love him and he is the father of my child but that's about it.
i don't love anything about him because every element of his body is made of lies.
every single day since he started treating me bad when i got pregnant, when i said he was killing me i wasn't lying.
i can live each day without him and i'd be find, and i've been doing so.
the only time he sees Eve is at the park for an hour or so, once a week...IF that.
and it's all his choice.
i've adjusted to life without him and it's okay and i'm used to it, it's nothing out of the norm, nothing that i'm not familiar with.
he doesn't want to grow up and is still living in a dream of a 16 year old when he's twenty.
drinking, smoking, partying, doing tattoos, everything he was doing in high school he is still doing now after the birth of our child.
(ugh, i hate making that plural when she's really MY child because he doesn't do shit for her let alone now how to take care of her).
he is honestly a piece of shit parent, i can seriously say i regret having his child.

i don't regret Eve one bit, because she is my Love, my heart, my everything.
It's so beautiful to know that she depends on me, and i of all people she wants to be with the most.

me, she never wants to leave my side, she loves me and everything about me cause i'm her mommy.

i make her feel better when she's feeling sick, when she's with me i'm home and she's home.

it's a mutual love between a mother and her child, and she is the little one i cannot live without.

i've vowed to give her the life i've never had, and the love i've never received.

she deserves the world, and the mess that i brought her into, i'm going to clean it all up by the time she is able to remember.

i love you Eve Lillia, you are truly a blessing and i wouldn't have it any other way.

to me he is nothing more than a sperm donor.
he broke my heart, and i feel incapable of loving or trusting another male because of him.
promise after promise after promise. lie after lie after lie. are the only things that come from him.
and being mistreated, and according to him i'm a whore, all i do is talk to other guys when in reality i don't even have time to shit in peace!
my life is dedicated to my daughter and nothing else, yeah later on in life when i do have time, then i'll wait if someone comes along and is of my standards then i'll try it out. but EVE COMES FIRST.
i know in reality he only accuses me of all that nonsense because that's what he's doing, and she doesn't come first in his life so of course he feels guilty about it.
at the time we were trying to work things out, we had a fight, and it was minor nothing major, and he was at his friends and he hung up so i called back and he had some girl answer his phone more than once, and the bitch laughed and hung up on me too.
God only know wtf i wanted to do to him!
yeah, and supposedly the girl was his friends gf that he was tattooing, but oh i'm not that naive my friend.
and another time we were fighting and he was supposedly cooking dinner at his house when i called him. (carne asada, rice, and beans) i heard all kinds of girls in the backround talking crap to him and laughing about him not knowing how to cook, and get this. supposedly it was his girl cousins that came down from San Bernardino. (who i've never heard of in my fucking life) then he changed it to them being from San Marcos, and they were cooking food at his house to bring to his friends house down the street because he was dating one of his cousins and it was his birthday.
after all that, he broke me.
i'm no fool, i'm not stupid.
i know you LUST.
you've never changed and you never will.
so my love for you is gone.

and when the say,
"while you're making your girl cry someone else is making them smile"
that a true mutha fuckin' fact!

Saul Reyes, my best friend of 3 years finally confessed his love for me!
so my hearts attention is drawn towards him now, he checks on me and Eve more than Leo ever did.
i'm happiest when i'm talking to him and he always wants to see me.
i haven't hung out with him yet because i want to (low key) get skinnier first.
:p
but he deserves my whole heart and i want to be ready for him.
me and him both agreed to save ourselves for eachother, so in other words we aren't having intercourse with anyone until we can with each other.
he told me he loves me like L O V E.
and i love him back.
i just want to see where this will take me and i hope he's the one...