and I love it.
Who ever knew that those words, those very words would come to life all these years later.
We use to say it to each other as just a thing we said to each other.
But now, it has consistent meaning.
The moments leading up to seeing you, I fall ill.
Ill to my stomach to the point that I get nauseous.
It makes me want to turn my car around and go home, there isn't one time my body agrees with being in your presence or even the idea of it.
They always say to trust your gut, and I never in my life have.
With you, I ignore the signs.
The signs that have always said, "STOP" or "TURN AROUND".
No matter how many times, you don't reply after seeing me.
Or even, how many times I promise myself I'm giving you up for good.
No matter how many times, I cry at the fact that I will never have you as mine.
Or even, how many times you ignore me and my questions.
The time with you, overrides everything you've done to me and continue to do.
I will be home, and I will be upset because you didn't text me back.
Hell I've literally gotten sick to my stomach and didn't want to eat when you didn't have a phone and I couldn't talk to you for two weeks.
The longest weeks of my life are those when I cannot find a way to get ahold of you.
I will never in my life understand my undying need for this man.
A man that can only have me on his time, and a man that barely has any time...for me.
I don't know if because he isn't accessible to me anymore because he moved 2 hours away...if that's why I need him in such a sick way.
Or because he finally got me pregnant in January, and I had to have an abortion 8 weeks later.
The man I've always wanted to be with, my fucking dream man.
He has always been everything I've ever wanted, and I've always wanted to have HIS babies.
I hoped all the years of knowing him, that he would get me pregnant.
He never did.
Until now, that I'm married and he's in a relationship did he manage to get me pregnant.
And I had to kill it, I had to abort it.
I had to send back the piece of this man that I've always dreamed of.
So one day, he can give that piece to her.
Not me, but her.
I know he's going to marry her, and they're going to have children.
And he's going to stay with her until they die.
I know he treats her well, even like a queen.
And I know he's man enough to protect her.
I just know, because I know him.
And I know he's all I've ever wanted.
Yet everything I will never ever get to have.
I get to sit tied up with tape over my mouth screaming and watching his life with her, well that's what it feels like anyways.
I get to sit in agony and pain, as he loves her how a woman is suppose to be loved.
And as I get used and abused.
No one has ever loved me.
Not even him.
But nothing hurts more than watching who you really want to be with, be with someone else.
You tell me things, that nestle and burrow themselves inside of my head.
You say things powerful enough to detonate in my head later.
You talk about a future, and wishing I had your children.
And wishing I would've waited for you.
And claiming you love me.
And bringing up my children.
Everything you say is to pull me in, and I get taken deep by you.
And I can't find my way up for air.
And once I let you go, and once I do come up for air...you find me again.
You find me, and our 8 year long history gets me stuck right back into your arms...well your bed.
When I want you constantly, you don't want me.
When I run from you, you chase me until I'm in your grasp again.
You never give up on me.
You know I'm always going to be yours.
I've never gotten the answers I've needed from you.
Do you love me?
Have you ever loved me?
Why wouldn't you ever take me serious?
Why can't you let yourself love me?
Why can't I have you?
Why can't you really let me go?
Why have you stayed in my life for so long?
Why do you always come back to me?
Is this merely sexual?
Do you feel anything for me at all?
Am I just convenient for you?
Did you really want to have a baby with me?
Were you telling the truth when you asked me to move away with you?
Am I the only one you see when you come home?
Are there many others who feel like me?
Are there many others you fuck when you're in town?
Do you want to stop seeing me?
I'll finish later.
