Someone

please kill me or throw me off of a bridge or something.
I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't right now I just can't.
I feel like I'm getting punched over and over, and nothing or no one is letting me catch my breath.
I'm being beaten senseless, and it's not getting any better.





H E L P .



GOD?
CAN YOU HEAR ME?
OR ARE MY PRAYERS STILL EXEMPT?

One person, just one.

 

THEN

 

NOW

This is my safe place.

Where my thoughts my feelings, my life is 100% accurate.
I don't have to hold anything back ever.

So I'm going to sit here and tell you how hurt I am by everyone.
But what's new right?


To start with Leo, and how he got out of jail a couple weeks ago.
He showed up here, I let him hang out rest.
Until I realized he was on something then I made him leave.
(Mind you he stopped by two days after he was realeased.)
And every word out of his mouth was a lie, he couldn't tell me the truth about anything.
I was dying for him to be in his right state of mind, fresh out of jail.
And for us to make love like we used to and restart our lives together.
But of course, what a fantasy. KEEP DREAMING ESTHER.
I lose hope that he's never going to change and that I'm going to be alone forever.
I'd like to think that he loves the girls and would eventually want to be in their lives.
But it's just a thought, not even close to the reality of him not giving a flying fuck about his daughters.
Pieces of me literally DIE every single day.
And I mean that in the most literal sense.
I've become so numb as a person, and mostly cynical and desensitized.
Like when you're body experiences so much pain during child birth or a gun shot, eventually it just goes numb due to the immense amount of pain.
Well that's how I feel, dealing with this pain on an everyday basis and I'm numb.
I'm so hurt, that I can't feel anything.
I have to dig up, and sink into and look for my feelings to remember they're there and try to deal with them.
But back to Leo.
One of my cousins friends messaged me telling me she had seen him pumping gas the other day at the gas station across the street from my apartments.
Did he stop by to check on his daughters? No.
Did he call to see if we were home? No.
He just doesn't care.
He doesn't care, and all I want to know is why?
Why can't you love these little girls who just love you so much unconditionally?
Why don't you want to see these little girls who get so excited when you finally do come?
Why dont' you want to get to know these little girls who want to know everything about you?
Why don't you want them?
Because all they want is you.
Whenever Eve plays with her toys, her story line is always, "The mom and the dad, and the babies."
And it killed me the other day, she brought me two baby froggies and said, "Mom, hurry we have to find the dad. The baby froggies need their dad. Come on mom hurry! We have to find him!"
That broke me into a million little pieces inside.
I had to keep myself composed and just helped her find the mommy frog.

I feel

Lost again, except really lost.

I may have not spun a very tangled web this time again, but I'm lost and searching.

Searching for something I'm not sure of at all.

I find myself going deeper and deeper into darkness, into unguarded territory.

As if the more I try to find my way out the more lost I get.

I need help...fast.

Maybe it's the fact that I seen Leo yesterday and it made me wake up and realize that I'm really alone...

I can say

I'm honestly alone, inside.

I can't talk to anyone. 

No one gives me feedback when I talk to them about my problems, they don't even ask actually.

The only person who listened and asked questions and worked me through my problems was Saul.

So I'm having a hard time without him.

A really hard time and I'm trying my hardest not to hate him.

But I can't say that I don't because each day it's growing and my hearts growing colder towards him, and just colder period.

He had no idea how much he's hurt me, more than anyone else almost.

Well kind of, he's just a liar and a fake.

And I'm bitter and angry and fucking hate him.

I hate him I hate him I hate him.

Resoc

I miss you terribly, and love you just as much.

I can say I'm trying to stay strong, and I am.

I'm trying not to hate you for leaving me like everyone else, but that's exactly what you did.

You're no different, when I thought you were.

I thought you were the only one to understand me, and you are.

Then why would you abandon me?

You're no different from anyone else that's walked into my life.

The only difference is you dug deeper and wasted my time longer than anyone else has.

I'm glad to know now, that you're just like the rest of the world.

You're just another statistic.

Thanks for finally doing what you've been waiting to do, after all these years and tears I've wiped.

This is what I get.

I hope you'll never laugh the same.

I hope no one listens to you for hours on end.

I hope no one takes your suicide calls.

And I hope coffee tastes bitter to you.

I hope you sit alone at your desk breaking your pencils over and over.

I hope you break another arm.

I hope you try to call and your phone electrocutes you.

I hope no one listens to your placebo bull shit.

I hope you stop selling your whack ass grams.

I hope paint splashes all over you when you finally paint.

I hope you sleep on the couch.

I hope you cover up your shitty tattoos.

I hope there's rat poison in your cheese Danish.

I hope dirty Mexicans bug you at work (5-10 at a time).

I hope you throw away your stupid ass vitamin D that don't do shit.

What I me trying to say is I hope you know that I hate you.

Saul Reyes, I will always hate you.

Because no soul on this earth could communicate with mine the way yours does...and you know it's mutual.

And because of you, I no longer have anyone...

Abandonment

Without answers or reasons can leave you searching for them your whole life.

Wondering why?

Why don't they want you?

Why was it so easy to leave you?

Was it something you did or said?

Why couldn't you just stay?

Was meeting me a mistake?

What was it?

That's a good daily head fuck.

Stuck tryna put a world meant for two back together all by yourself, with no one trying to help.

How sane are you? With no one to talk to?

Where does it all go?

Knowing that no one gives a fuck about your day, or that you and your daughters are okay?

Can you handle this for the rest of your life? 

Got the whole world on your shoulders, and in your mind. 

You're never going to get a break Esther...

Two days later

and you remember me.
Two days after you were released you decided to come see the girls and I.
Leo, you genius.
Come knocking on my door, fully loaded off of your shit.
Fresh out of jail.
Breaking my heart over and over again.
What was I expecting though?

I guess he's not doing four years after all, I actually can't sit here and tell you anything about him or whats going on with him other than what I see visually.
I know though, that every single word out of his mouth is a lie.
Whether it be big or small it's a guarantee'd lie.
He can't answer any of my questions at the level that his brain is funtioning due to the glass fogging up his thought process.
So I will go on with my life unanswered, probably what's best for me.
He tried to have sex with me claiming it will make him feel better.
As he asked to move in with me and the way he explained how he was going to change sounded like he was reciting lines from a script.
He would turn to the side and talk to himself thinking I didn't notice but I did.
His eyes weren't his, until he layed eyes on our girls.
Thats the only moments he snapped back to himself was when he was interacting with our daughters.
Other than that, it was something else.
Something deep, and dark.
I can't really explain.
But whatever it is, it's controlling him, and he's letting it.
He told me he can't go back to the Rescue Mission because they leave the doors open at night and that's when the grim reaper comes.
Idk what that means.
But he also said that if he would've just listened to me at the condo and stopped fucking with tweak his life would be different.
He's still in there, I know he is.
I hear and see pieces of him come out, but that's it just pieces.
I can never get an hour of him, it's just moments.

I guess what I'm trying to get at and say is that...Leo is gone, and I mean gone mentally in his mind.
He got high and never came down I guess.
And it made me realize, I can't hold onto him anymore.
I can't cry over him anymore.
I can't hope that he's going to change.
I can't feel responsible or guilty for what he's doing to himself.
I can't feel responsible to take care of him.
He's not my burden to carry.
He has to want to be better for himself and he has yet to do so.
Holding onto him is also holding me back, he's my anchor in the worst way.
He's weighing me down to the bottom of the ocean.
I haven't moved emotionally since the day he left.
And I need to.
I need to be worth something to myself, for myself, and my daughters.
His abuse all these years, has kept me bound to him.
I've moved mountains, cleaned up my act, all because of the love I have for my daughters.
I don't want to be sad anymore, I don't want to cry anymore.
I want to be happy, and enjoy life for once.


I feel like I've been in this dark cave, depressed for so long.
And I've seen myself as nothing but a monster.
I don't think I'm pretty, I think horrible things of myself.
And I believe them.
I don't want to be that person anymore.
I don't want my happiness to be whether or not someone leaves me or stays with me.
I want to be happy with or without Leo.
Or someone.
I deserve nothing but happiness.
For the person I am inside needs to come out and live instead of barracading myself and hiding.
I'm ready to finally change, and I'm glad I realized the thing that was stopping me from doing so.
As much as I love him and care about him, he doesn't love me or care about our daughters.
And for that, you don't deserve us.
Your time is up, two years later and I give the fuck up.


You lost me, for eternity.