Two days later

and you remember me.
Two days after you were released you decided to come see the girls and I.
Leo, you genius.
Come knocking on my door, fully loaded off of your shit.
Fresh out of jail.
Breaking my heart over and over again.
What was I expecting though?

I guess he's not doing four years after all, I actually can't sit here and tell you anything about him or whats going on with him other than what I see visually.
I know though, that every single word out of his mouth is a lie.
Whether it be big or small it's a guarantee'd lie.
He can't answer any of my questions at the level that his brain is funtioning due to the glass fogging up his thought process.
So I will go on with my life unanswered, probably what's best for me.
He tried to have sex with me claiming it will make him feel better.
As he asked to move in with me and the way he explained how he was going to change sounded like he was reciting lines from a script.
He would turn to the side and talk to himself thinking I didn't notice but I did.
His eyes weren't his, until he layed eyes on our girls.
Thats the only moments he snapped back to himself was when he was interacting with our daughters.
Other than that, it was something else.
Something deep, and dark.
I can't really explain.
But whatever it is, it's controlling him, and he's letting it.
He told me he can't go back to the Rescue Mission because they leave the doors open at night and that's when the grim reaper comes.
Idk what that means.
But he also said that if he would've just listened to me at the condo and stopped fucking with tweak his life would be different.
He's still in there, I know he is.
I hear and see pieces of him come out, but that's it just pieces.
I can never get an hour of him, it's just moments.

I guess what I'm trying to get at and say is that...Leo is gone, and I mean gone mentally in his mind.
He got high and never came down I guess.
And it made me realize, I can't hold onto him anymore.
I can't cry over him anymore.
I can't hope that he's going to change.
I can't feel responsible or guilty for what he's doing to himself.
I can't feel responsible to take care of him.
He's not my burden to carry.
He has to want to be better for himself and he has yet to do so.
Holding onto him is also holding me back, he's my anchor in the worst way.
He's weighing me down to the bottom of the ocean.
I haven't moved emotionally since the day he left.
And I need to.
I need to be worth something to myself, for myself, and my daughters.
His abuse all these years, has kept me bound to him.
I've moved mountains, cleaned up my act, all because of the love I have for my daughters.
I don't want to be sad anymore, I don't want to cry anymore.
I want to be happy, and enjoy life for once.


I feel like I've been in this dark cave, depressed for so long.
And I've seen myself as nothing but a monster.
I don't think I'm pretty, I think horrible things of myself.
And I believe them.
I don't want to be that person anymore.
I don't want my happiness to be whether or not someone leaves me or stays with me.
I want to be happy with or without Leo.
Or someone.
I deserve nothing but happiness.
For the person I am inside needs to come out and live instead of barracading myself and hiding.
I'm ready to finally change, and I'm glad I realized the thing that was stopping me from doing so.
As much as I love him and care about him, he doesn't love me or care about our daughters.
And for that, you don't deserve us.
Your time is up, two years later and I give the fuck up.


You lost me, for eternity.