Esthersville, CA

That is where you are currently located right now.

That is where I'm trying to figure out the landscape.
I'm revamping the place.
Knocking down all the old buildings and building something completely new.


I want to know me again.
I want to know and be sure about every single part of myself.
I don't want to question why I made a certain decision or why I let someone do something bad to me again.
I want to make sure those things don't happen because of how sure of myself that I am.
I want to be fully in control of every single aspect of my life.
And I want to feel things fully because I want to feel them, not because someone else made me feel them.
I just want my power back.
I want to evolve into the best and most healthy version of myself.
I want to love myself, and have boundaries.

I want to be able to say when.
I want to say no and not feel bad about it because it's what I believe is what's best for me.
I want to stop putting people before myself, and start putting myself before everyone(other than my kids, they come first).
I want to fall in love with myself and develop such a confidence that no one will be able to take that from me.

At this moment I don't even want to think being with someone else, as in a serious relationship.
I'm not ready for that.
I want to completely heal first.

I also want to be able to finally stick to something, because I give up and stop everything.
I want to focus on loosing weight, not for anyone but myself.
I want to have the mental power and self control enough to push myself and not quit because it's hard.
I want to learn my own body.
I want to see what I'm capable of.
I want to know my strength, and show myself I can do it.
And that I can finish something.


So yeah, that's where I'm at today.

Loss

I feel like when you lose the love of your life, or your soul mate...after them you can lose anyone.


And when I say that I mean, losing anyone after them is a cake walk.
Because the real catastrophe, is losing them.
And if you're able to come out of that alive, you can handle losing anyone that comes after.


That's where I'm at.

Dreams

I wish he would stop appearing in my dreams.
Holding me, hugging me, and kissing me.
And I wake up and its all a dream.
And my reality is what it is.


I wish my mind could erase him.
But how?