This is my safe place.

Where my thoughts my feelings, my life is 100% accurate.
I don't have to hold anything back ever.

So I'm going to sit here and tell you how hurt I am by everyone.
But what's new right?


To start with Leo, and how he got out of jail a couple weeks ago.
He showed up here, I let him hang out rest.
Until I realized he was on something then I made him leave.
(Mind you he stopped by two days after he was realeased.)
And every word out of his mouth was a lie, he couldn't tell me the truth about anything.
I was dying for him to be in his right state of mind, fresh out of jail.
And for us to make love like we used to and restart our lives together.
But of course, what a fantasy. KEEP DREAMING ESTHER.
I lose hope that he's never going to change and that I'm going to be alone forever.
I'd like to think that he loves the girls and would eventually want to be in their lives.
But it's just a thought, not even close to the reality of him not giving a flying fuck about his daughters.
Pieces of me literally DIE every single day.
And I mean that in the most literal sense.
I've become so numb as a person, and mostly cynical and desensitized.
Like when you're body experiences so much pain during child birth or a gun shot, eventually it just goes numb due to the immense amount of pain.
Well that's how I feel, dealing with this pain on an everyday basis and I'm numb.
I'm so hurt, that I can't feel anything.
I have to dig up, and sink into and look for my feelings to remember they're there and try to deal with them.
But back to Leo.
One of my cousins friends messaged me telling me she had seen him pumping gas the other day at the gas station across the street from my apartments.
Did he stop by to check on his daughters? No.
Did he call to see if we were home? No.
He just doesn't care.
He doesn't care, and all I want to know is why?
Why can't you love these little girls who just love you so much unconditionally?
Why don't you want to see these little girls who get so excited when you finally do come?
Why dont' you want to get to know these little girls who want to know everything about you?
Why don't you want them?
Because all they want is you.
Whenever Eve plays with her toys, her story line is always, "The mom and the dad, and the babies."
And it killed me the other day, she brought me two baby froggies and said, "Mom, hurry we have to find the dad. The baby froggies need their dad. Come on mom hurry! We have to find him!"
That broke me into a million little pieces inside.
I had to keep myself composed and just helped her find the mommy frog.