If God,

Can hear me.
I really really really want him to allow me to access my past and change it.
Let there be one undo button.

1) Stop me from ever hooking up with Andrew this second time around.
2) The night that I was breaking up with him, he had all of his belongings in my trunk because he was going to move back to his aunts. I convinced him to come back home with me and not go.

I feel like God always leaves these opportunities for me open right at the beginning to make the right decision. And I never make the right one.
I'm always left with my choice, and it's always nothing but suffering.
Which is right back to where I am now.



I can't sit here and tell you how Andrew is in love with me, because I don't know.
He doesn't look at me like he loves me.
I just feel, I take on the duties as his mother and make his life easier.
The only difference is he fucks me.
Fucking is the closest thing to love I feel from him.
Quality time, we never spend together.
I don't have any intimate moments to look back on and cherish.
But violent or sexual, well I can flash back to many.
I can't tell anyone that WE as a couple as a unit are in love with each other.
There is no passion and nothing mad about our love other than we make each other mad.
That's called lust.
Andrew can tell me he loves me until he's blue in the face, but I still don't see it.
I can't feel it.

My parents used to say, "We work and put a roof over your head, and clothes on your back...that's how we show you we love you."
Andrew believes the same thing.
But where is the relationship and the affection?
Is that not needed?

As cliché as this may sound, I see people as plants.
If they are not loved, nurtured, and cared for under close watch on a daily basis...they will never grow.
Pieces of them, slowly will die.
I see myself as such thing.
I'm not being watered or nurtured, or cared for by Andrew so day by day my love for him is dying.
He's not exploring my soul, and helping me grow.
He's not making sure I'm okay and feel well.
Considering I am carrying his offspring.


I also feel like Jonah from the bible, ya know the one that got stuck inside the whale for not listening and trusting in God.
So he tried to hide from God well runaway from him, and as punishment he had to be swallowed by a whale and live inside that whale for three days and nights.
Well that's me right now, because of me not listening and trusting in God I've lived inside of that what from that point on.
I'm still living in that whale.
I've repented but I'm still doing the same thing, still sinning and not listening to God.
And my punishment is the cards that have been dealt to me.
This daily pain.
This not being loved.
This neglect.
This abuse.
This financial falter.
Everything.



(This was originally wrote sometime in November 14')