The one thing

I can say I feel in this relationship of mine is dullness.
Everything is dry and dull other than the sexual part.
But I mean how hard is it to be sexually intact with someone ya know?


There's no craving of my company, he doesn't desire to figure out what's on my mind, or discuss my political view, or how things make me feel, and he has not once brought something up about our unborn baby.
So I can just say I'm truly honestly sincerely unhappy.
Nothing feels live or real about this relationship.
Especially with the route he's taken, in regards to his constant need to engage himself with other females.
I hope things change when the baby comes like he see's how amazing of a mother I am and falls in love with me, or his heart changes and he becomes about his family.
I don't know.
I'm not expecting anything but it's a nice thought.

When I found out about the other girls it was because I took the phone to my doctor's appointment on Monday, and some girl texted saying "Wow you're lame hitting me up then trying to talk to my best friends."
So I called and non answer, so I just texted.
And began to converse with this girl and she screen shotted her messages with Andrew and her friends screen shotted her messages with him too and sent them.
She let me know that the hung out with Andrew about a month ago, she said nothing happened but him messaging her and talking to her.
And she advised me to make him delete his other Facebook with nothing but girls on it.
His name was some bogus name, so he's not stupid.
I caught him messaging other girls about a month ago on his old Facebook that he told me he deleted.
He was commenting on girls pictures too. Complimenting their bodies.
When all he does is tell me how I should fix mine.
So yes, dealing with all of this while being 31 weeks pregnant. How exciting.
31 weeks pregnant and the father of your child, the man that you live with, the man you gave everything up for, the man you lost everything and everyone for, the man that you think you love, and he can't even be faithful and honest with you.
This is my life.
This is all I have right now.

I will admit, I settled. I really did.
He was no where near what I promised myself.
I vowed to be with a real man, and man who wanted what I wanted.
And really truly loved me and my daughters.
He don't want to do family things.
And when he does he's not into it and leaves to the bathroom a million times.
I've seen him smile more while he's messaging his friends online than when he's talking to me.


We're not meant to be.
Which is why we just can't be.
I talked about us splitting up and how I'd rather be dirt poor and happy than financially stable and miserable.
I told him I was perfectly okay with him moving out.
I didn't want to settle my morals and values for his lies.
He went on and on about how what the girls would think if we split, and how he didn't want Ami to have a broken home or life.
Him seeing her on certain week days was no way to live.
But I told him that's life, that's what happens, and that I would be fine.
I would explain to the girls what's going on so they could understand.
But he begged, cried, and promised change.
Well him sleeping with me the next day threw that "change" out the window.
Everything is the same, and back to normal.
There's nothing really different about his behavior or the fact that he always wants to be with his friends.




I just keep telling myself it's temporary.
This miserable time in my life is just a season.
It's going to be over soon.
I'm going to be happy soon.