It's your bodies intuition letting you know you're right.
Something isn't right.
I believe God gives us those, which if you really think about it is some intuitive type of gift.
For those who actually trust themselves.
I knew, I knew I knew in the pit of my stomach something wasn't quite right about Andrew and his 'loyalty' to me.
I doubted every single day and I snooped and snooped and snooped and found minor things here and there, but nothing major.
Nothing to consummate what I was feeling inside.
No matter what he swore on, no matter what he promised, or what he said I still felt something blocking him from giving me his all.
I felt he couldn't ever love me, I felt there was something he was doing that was stopping him.
Or that he was just blatantly not interested in me like that.
That I was just routine and what he was used to.
But I never had proof, he never said anything that confirmed my assumptions.
Until one day, I knew there was something.
So I downloaded a texting app and pretended to text him as if I was a girl he previously messaged whose name was Crystal.
He was smart, so he was cautious.
When I started to mention about us hanging out and seeing each other, then he called and called.
Then he demanded a picture as proof that I was really her.
But when you send a picture through a texting app your email is linked to the picture as you send it, so like a retard my email was sent to it.
So my cover was blown and I felt like a complete idiot.
Until, I knew the girls who had texted his phone two weeks before had mentioned he had another Facebook. A secret one.
In which he denied of course, and said that someone made a fake profile of him.
So I did some digging.
I used one of the emails of his that I've never used before and tried to log into Facebook.
It gave me a profile but I couldn't match the password.
So I logged into that email account and sent the new password from Facebook to the email.
BAM, I was in.
He went by the name of Andy Diaz.
And his account was filled with nothing but hood rat, bottom of the barrel, girls.
He had that whole account dedicated to messaging girls.
He sent them pictures of his dick and talked about fucking them.
They sent him pictures as well.
In there messages they talked about the different ways they were going to have sex, how big his dick was, and how nice their body parts were.
It also went into detail about how he was going to pick them up in my car to hang out, he was going to bring them over to my apartment, or how he was going to buy them things.
This account has been active since July 2014.
He broke my heart, reading message after message.
Seeing his failed attempts at trying to get with all these girls, I just left me broken.
Some of these girls I knew, some I went to school with, and others were his friends ex gfs.
I called him sobbing letting him I knew about the account and everything that was on it.
He just hung up.
I told him just pack your shit and leave my car keys on the counter.
And that's exactly what he did.
He took every single one of his belongings and he left my keys on the counter.
When he took everything that belonged to him, he even took a giant piece of me.
But not to keep, a piece that just left at the same time that he did.
I have went on and on about how I've left and lost everything for him.
And still he does this to me, all while I'm carrying his child.
Not one ounce of him loves me truly, madly, and deeply.
He doesn't look at me and just adores me.
I feel no passion.
I don't feel anything from him but exterior things.
Nothing inside, nothing genuine, nothing real.
It's all just...that's it it's just there.
We have a life together, and that's the most intimate it's going to get.
Maybe a decent conversation or two a week but nothing spectacular.
Nothing to crave.
According to him I'm just another woman who wants to talk.
I haven't opened myself up emotionally for going on three years now, until Andrew came along.
I said well he wants to move in and build a life with me so might as well.
Turns out he's done me the dirtiest of them all.
I opened my self up just for it to go in one ear and out the other.
I thought I was was flowing into someone not through them.
I thought I was finally with someone who's going to reciprocate everything I've been doing.
Someone who was going to touch my mind, body, and spirit.
Someone whose soul was going to become one with mine.
I thought we would have such a bond that it can hardly be explained, but mostly it can never be replaced.
I thought I was just going to have a connection that no matter what, it was constant and consistent.
What we had was never going to go away.
Who I am, was supposed to be his pride and joy.
He was supposed to make me more of the woman that I already was.
He was supposed to add to my life.
He was supposed to build me up and encourage me.
My self-esteem was supposed to be through the roof.
He was supposed to take the pain away and protect me.
But little did I know he was always the enemy...
The little things that I did feel with him, I feel was all fake.
Because what he was doing on a daily basis behind my back for all these months.
Everything he's ever said has been a lie.
So now we are here, and he has vowed to prove himself to me along with his faithfulness.
He was supposed to devote his time to me and my girls.
We were supposed to just work on our relationship.
And he was going to spend everyday proving to me that he truly loved me and wanted to be with me for the rest of his life.
Did it happen?
For like the first day or two.
And now he's back, well he stays the night sometimes but leaves all day with his friends.
And the moment I bring anything that has to do with another female and his social network accounts, I'm a psycho who is taking this all too far.
I'm dragging this whole issue on further than it needs to be.
And yet, I feel no different about him.
The nights he's supposed to spend time with me he comes home from his friends house high and ends up passing right out and does the same thing the next day.
And I'm left here alone at night, typing or watching a movie alone.
And when I see he's blocked another female who I do not know, he says how dare I question him.
Everything leads up to it being my fault.
Andrew exclaims he did what he did in the first place because I got physical with him a long time ago and he just couldn't let it go.
Well If I went down the list of revenge I should have on him, I'd be messaging a guy every minute.
I'm not stupid, I'm just here.
For the time being.
I don't want to need him, and I'm waiting until I don't to finally just cut him off.
I want to just trust in God again because the moment I left him, is the moment my life came crashing down into a million little pieces.
And each day, the trials of my life only get worse and more intense.
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