Everyday

Is a constant battle with my demons, and there are more than one.
There are many.
Raging inside of me.
I have control but I don't have control if that makes sense.
I'm sure that deems me weak.
I am the weakest and the strongest, I'm a walking contradiction on a daily basis.
I am the most undecided human being you will ever come across.
I am a walking contradiction in the most literal sense possible.


I want to be loved but then I want to be fucked.
I want Leo and I miss him, but then leaving him was the best decision of my life.
I want to clean my house, but I also would prefer to lay around.
I want to go out, but I hate the world.
I love the world but I hate the people.
I crave a human but I just want the attention.
I want to go to church but I also want to be promiscuous.
I want to give my life to God but I also want to sin.
I want to lose weight but I want to eat sweets.
I want to sleep but I'd rather sit and reminisce.
I want friends but I also want to be left alone.
I want to call Saul so bad but I'm too stubborn.
I don't like alcohol AT ALL but I force myself to drink.
I want to be clean but I hate the time of taking a shower.
I want to be rich but I want an instant degree.
I want to stop looking for you but I drive the streets I heard you walked.
I want to love myself but I can't see myself of any worth.

I'm not sure how to turn this all off, this way of thinking.
I'm numb when it comes to anything to do with God.
Sometimes when I pray I'll feel him, but he'll leave right away.
Is this normal how I feel?
These are my constant battles with myself on a daily basis, and I always lose.






I think I gave up on myself, when Leo gave up on us...
If the own father of my daughters can't love or want to know/be with his own flesh an blood then I don't think anyone will...
That's supposed to be the deepest of bonds, especially with the parents.
And he left me with no hesitation, he left me to carry and create a life and world for OUR DAUGHTERS...all by myself.