Ehhh hem.

Just let me say this, mark my words.
MARK MY WORDS, I'm going to tell my daughters I love them every single day that i breathe.
I'm going to hug them everyday, and show them all the love and affection they deserve.

Why am I saying this?

Because I never knew such a thing, nor felt.
My parents taught us not to show emotion, affection, or weakness.
Moreover vulnerability?

They were never the type to listen to our problems, or kiss us good night.
I don't remember hugs or kisses unless it was student of the month or something extravagant that we did.
Their definition of love was them working everyday to support us and put a roof over our heads, food on the table, spank us, and clothe us.
That's all the love we had to know right?

I remember crying to my mom being a little girl, because I recieved none of the above.
Her reply, "Well my parents never showed any of those things, and neither did your dads. So we don't really know how to express them to you guys."
But I remember her telling me how as a child her family never sat down all together at dinner time EVER, so she vowed to make a change and make us do that.
So does that mean sitting down at dinner is more important that love and affection?
I guess so cause nothings changed.

I'm not asking for anyone to baby me, sometimes I need my mom or fuck I need someone to know that they care that I can open myself up to them.
I have the world bottled up inside of me, precisely hell.
And this keyboard and this screen is all that I've got.
Whenever I try to talk to my mom about things that are going on with me, I get shut down once any sign of emotion is shown.
She'll change the subject, make it quick, say she has to be somewhere, plead that she's tired, or just tell me to tell God.
Yeah, I can tell God but right now I don't feel like he's listening.
I feel ignored by him too.
I don't see him anywhere near me.
Not even in my mother.

I can't count how many times a day I even contemplate the thoughts of suicide.
It's sick.
It's sad.
It's pathetic.

I have the weight of all 8 planets on my shoulders, and have no one to give them to to help me carry them.
I'm doing it all by myself.
I'm not supposed to though.
That eats me away every single day.
I can't escape the regret, I just can't.
I have so much and it consumes my thoughts every second of every day.

Everything that can go wrong is going wrong.
But no one knows that, with the fake ass smile I wear everyday.
Oh and makeup is a pretty good mask to hide behind also.
The only good thing is that I figured out what I want to do with my life, career wise.
I want to be a labor and delivery nurse.
The state is going to pay for my schooling, well in actuality I have to say thank you to all you tax payers.
But God knows, I truly hate relying on the government.
But what the fuck, when Leo stopped working we broke up and I was pregnant.
So yes, I'm on welfare.
I'm just getting money for Eve though.
They gave me some bull shit story how Emilia is not going to be covered.
Whatever, that gives me more of an incentive to go to school and look for a job.
And you're going to be shocked when I tell you that still their 'father' has contributed no less than zero dollar and zero diapers to his daughters!
Shocker right?
My phone is off because my last 20$ is going to buy Emilia diapers.
So he can't call me and horass me about what a whore I am.

Today he had the balls to call my house (when my parents weren't home), and say "So what the fuck where have you been? What have you been doing? Why can't you pay your phone?" I responded "No I can't pay my phone and stop calling my house!". Then he says, "Oh like that? Just tell me Esther whos dick are you sucking? I know you got another dick!". I say, "Leo stop calling my house before I get a restrainging order on you!". Lastly he says, "Oh like that, like that? You fucking dumb bitch, fuck you and your new dick!".
CLICK.
I hung up, he was saying more things but I just hung up.
That was todays conversation, but that's actually pretty accurate to all of our other conversations.
I don't cuss at him or anything.
Yes pathetically I've tried to explain myself to him, in regards to what I do everyday.
But according to him I'm lying.
Never have I ever been with anyone else while I was here.
Secretly my heart has been waiting for him, to change, get better, get a job, become a father to our daughters, get a car, come rescue my girls and I.
And of course get married.
I know I know, I should really keep my wishes in the realm of reality.
Because my wishes are no where near realistic.

I hacked into his facebook the other day.
I read his messages, he's moving on.
He's talking to other girls.
Whatever.
If you were to look in my inbox, it's nothing my old female friends trying to hang out or find ways to keep in contact with me.
That or random ugly guys trying to conversate, but I ignore them.
I really don't have the time or energy for another guy right now.
And my heart ain't ready, my beat isn't even steady.

There are dead roses sitting in this vase next to me on my counter, and let me just tell you I feel exactly like them.
They look sad and depressed.
These once pink rose that radiated the room with their smell and upright beauty are now dead.
They are dry, they are hanging, and their color went from a beautiful pink to a dead purple.
They're sitting in this vase trying their hardest to stay alive, fighting everyday to suck whatever water they can to keep them living.
But one day, pettal by pettal they are going to fall.
And then, the rose will be dead and gone.

I'm using every ounce of strength and energy to live every single day.
To get by.
I have Vicodin and Codiene pills for pain, for my teeth and after birth.
I abuse them.
I use them in times of stress, and well to help me cope.
PATHETIC PATHETIC PATHETIC.
From one addiction to another is really how the world goes round.
I don't do it everyday though.
Just every now and then.
It not so much an escape but it's more a coping mechanism.
The pills don't take me to another world, they make the world I'm in a little happier to deal with.
PATHETIC.

My memories of happiness, or my happiness reside in my past.
I spend way too much time there.
Why can't God let me rewind and make my life right?

Take the pain away, please.