Alone.

Have you ever felt alone in a room full of people?
Have you ever felt unheard after spilling your guts?

They don't get it, they don't get it, they don't get it.
And they never will because they're not going through it.
They have never went through it.

My mom constantly compares her life to mine, well her past.
How she raised us as babies 'by herself' as she says.
I believe she is exempt from considering herself a single mother, because she was with my dad and living with him.
Equaling her exemption.
If he didn't help her and she stayed with him anyways, that's her fault.
Because he was there.

Me on the other hand, that father of my child is no where near me or my girls.
He's two towns away, and chose to abandon his own flesh and blood.
I don't have the luxory of asking the father to watch our daughters while I rest for an hour or two.
I don't have the luxory of asking anyone any sort of favors pretaining to my daughters in any way.
The only time anyone is willing to watch my kids is if I have an appointment of some sort.

And today I went with my mother to Target and on our way she suggested I applied at some low income apartments up the street.
So I did, luckily today was the only day to apply.
I really hope that's a sign.
My mother also told me that my dad is on the verge of kicking 'us all' out.
When in reality the majority of 'us all' is my daughters and I.
The only other, my brother.
She was saying how they're too old to deal with babies, and my dad never gets peace around the house because it's constantly being surrounded with babies.
Well what a way to make me feel unwanted and uncomfortable.
And yet my mother is wondering why I'm trying to get a job so bad, or go to college.
What the flying fuck do you expect?
I feel so unwanted, I feel like my girls and I are nothing but a burden.
That's why my dad buries his head in his computer screen the second he comes home from work.
To escape I suppose.
And when he does leave his room, he's irratable and his facial expressions aren't the most pleasant.
I feel bad, but where the fuck would we go?
But then again, that's my problem right?
No one elses problem but mine.

I fight my inner demons every single day, EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Every reason in the world flows through my head in regards to suicide.
I get reassured that once I'm gone, my daughters will be taken care of.
But I'll be gone.
I heard during the Great Depression back in the 50's, people jumped out of windows because they were in too deep and couldn't handle being broke.
Well yeah, the name suites.
And that's exactly what I feel like doing.
I just want to die.
I love my girls with all my heart, but a huge part of me feels like I'm not going to be able to give them the life that they deserve.
Especially after the conversation I just had with my mother.

She doens't want me to work or go to school.
She wants me to stay home, and be on welfare all that I can.
She wants me to wait until they make me look for work, and then look for a job.
NO NO NO NO NO.
That's not what I want at all.
MY PLAN is, to go to school in a month starting August 27th, take as many classes as I can (most likely 1 or 2), get a tiny part-time job (which will allow me to qualify for an apartment because that will proove a steady income), and get my own place.
I don't want to be here especially if I'm bothering my parents and being such a burden.
I hold everything inside and it sucks, no one fucking understands at all.
NO ONE NO ONE NO ONE.
But no, my mom wants what's more convenient for her.
She wants me to wait until Emi is older so it'll be easier for her to watch her, and me to just get a job and be stuck at the same level as everyone else.
She doesn't want me to be successful and go to college and become a nurse like I originally planned.
I don't know if I'm speaking out of anger or what the fuck but I don't know why you would want your daughter to stay on welfare.
I want a job because I NEED one, I'm only getting welfare for one kid when I have two!
What the flying fuck do you expect me to do?
She's not going to buy the things my daughters or I need to what the fuck?
Do she want me living from fucking penny to penny?
I don't understand what she wants.
She doesn't understand what I'm going through!
But of course, mother knows best right?
I don't think so.
Yes don't get me wrong my mother is right about a lot of things.
But I'm so tired of sacrificing my happiness and what I want to make other people happy.
I put the world before me even if I don't want to, and I'm fucking tired of it.
I go out of my way to make people happy, to make them feel loved by me.
OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY to make them feel good.
Even if it takes my last dollar, as long as they're happy I'm good.
Whether it's an expensive gift, food, or just normal necesseties I get them for people I love.
I always go above and beyond for people happiness, but who gives a fuck about mine?
Who tries to make me feel good?
Who tries to make me feel special?
Who gets me a nice gift?
Is that crickets I hear?
Yeah, fucking NO ONE.
NO ONE NO ONE NO ONE.
I'm special to NO ONE.
I'm am the most unapreciated human being alive.
I'm the most unappreciated mother alive.
I'm the most unappreciated daugter alive.
I'm the most unappreciated sister alive.
I'm the most unappreciated friend alive.
I'm the most unappreciated significant other alive.
Oh wait, I don't have one.
NO ONE see's the pain I feel or go through, and the thing is NO ONE cares.
Tough titty.

I'm not going to abandon my daughters ever.
Whether death or just leaving, I'm not going anywhere.
I'm going to do everything in my power so they never feel the pain that I'm feeling.
NO ONE deserves to feel the way that I do right now.
NO ONE deserves this much neglect.
NO ONE.

I know I know, I have no one but myself to blame for this shitty fucked up life I've created.
Created for my daughters to live in.
Yeah, I fucking know.
I did this shit.
Yeah I fucking live with this guilt and this regret every fucking second I'm still breathing.

I wonder if Leo feels this hurts, this regret?
Does he feel anything at all?
Is that why he's doped up so he doesn't have to feel this?
Is he trying to escape the reality of it all?
He was suprisingly nice today, only because he was high off something.
I could hear the chemical in his voice.
You can't fool me, I used to be the chemical queen.
He was asking about the girls, and I was asking when he was going to get his life together.
He kept trying to hang up because he was cleaning his room.
Apparently his uncle and him got into it and he broke the mirror in his room so there was glass everywhere.
He chose to clean it at 6:54 p.m. and a whole day later.
His mom, his unlce, and him do dope (meth).
And when they all come down, they get angry and violent.
They argue with everyone and then they get physical.
Leo used to tell me about it when he was sober and doing good.
He used to tell me how much he hated it and just wanted to be away from it.
You know he hates his uncle so much, but he's turning out just like him.
His uncle has a son, but he was never a father to him.
His son lives in Arizona with his mother while he lives in Indio, CA.
His uncle was always in and out of jail.
His uncle was always on and off of dope.
But now, at around age 40 he rides a bike around town collecting cans to get money to support his habit.
He hasn't seen his son since he was a baby, he's about 21 now.

Leo hasn't even met Emilia.
He has no desire to.
He hasn't done anything to improve his life.
Apart of me blames myself for how Leo is turning out, knowing I should've stayed, knowing i should've helped him become better.
Instead of running.

Idk if leaving was the wrong or right choice, by the looks of it it's a lose lose situation.
Pros and cons on each end.
I love him, I really do but I know he's not doing good and he never plans to.
He has no urgency to become the father he needs to be to our girls.
He's fine doing what he's doing not worrying about a damn thing.
Not having to work, or even stress about the future.
That kills me.


I feel like God is there but he don't care about me either.
I see nothing from him.
I feel ignored and pushed to the side.
He was there for a minute then left.
What did I ever do to you?

But hey, God if you can hear me I need a sounds mind, I need peace, I need reassurance, I need love, I need comfort, I need some sort of direction, I need conformation, I need stability, I need closure, I need security, and I guess all that's you.
I need you.

You know where I live...