Close your eyes,

and let it crash?
Literally, I crashed this morning...kind of.
Just another near death experience to add to my list.
Another moment closer to my death, was it fate or was it my fault?
Could it be my life of sin cursing me?
Does the devil really want all of me, will he really take my life?



I'm at a really horrible place right now to be honest.
Probably one of the worst mentally, and well just the worst once again in my life.
It's like nothing can ever just sail smoothly for me.
It's a constant roller coaster.
My life is a series of unfortunate events in the most literal sense.
No one understands the termoil I deal with on a daily basis.
Don't get me wrong, I can manage my bills obviously but living check to check...getting by, by the skin of my teeth isn't very relaxing.
My life is always on the edge, in every single way, shape, and form.
Nothing is normal, nothing is copesetic.
Nothing nothing nothing.
Things go good for a mere moment but that's it, just a moment.


Leo is in jail again, I wrote him a letter and he's yet to write me back.
I don't really know where to begin with him, or even if I should begin or end.
I'm not sure.
But I'm trying to go about this differently than i ever have.
I just don't want him to hate me, when really I should hate him.

And let me just begin...
When Me and Leo moved in together (September 2011) we were like Sid Vicous and Nancy.
And we would break up and he would literally move out for days, and then move back.
He would be out doing God only knows, and I would be home with Eve.
So, a few days before Thanksgiving that year me and Leo had broke up and he moved out.
So one of those nights, I had called Rudy over.
And yes we had sex, and well every time me and Leo broke up and he moved out...Rudy would come over and we would have sex.
(I know slap myself I'm horrible).
Then two months later I find out that I'm pregnant.
That's when I was going to abort the baby so I didn't go to the doctor.
Well I didn't go to the doctor until I was 27 weeks.
And they kept changing my due date, extending the date more and more.
Finally to July 25, 2012.
And Bam Emi came.
Well, there is a huge possibility she could be Rudy's baby...HUGE.
I seen his baby picture and it's spitting image of Emi.
I like had a heart attack looking at it.
And Eve pointed to it and said, "Hey, that's my sister!"
I died.
And every single person asks me if the girls have the same dad because they look so different.
And Leo and his whole family hated me and questioned her being his until this very day.
They actually deny Emi being Leo's which is sad.
And Rudy was the only guy I've ever fooled around with on Leo.
Ever...
So I'm dealing with that, whether or not I should even ask Rudy for the paternity test.
If he would say yes, or if he would be spooked and I'd never see him again.
IDK!

And Christmas, and presents, and debt, and my stupid ass car, and my life with Jesus and how it's nonexistent.

I'm LOST.
I'm so LOST.
I'm dealing with all of these emotions, and I'm tortured daily...
No one understand how I can't get rid of them..
and by them I mean the voices in my head, the growth of my pupils, and the body that's no longer under my control.


I can get rid of them...