Too much too soon

I want it to hurt, I feel like I'm going insane that I can't inflict physical pain on myself.
Because the only person who is kind of there for me said he will leave me.
So here I am, about to lose my mind.

I had to hand over my life and my world to someone.
I had to give it to them all.
Not only did they take my life, and my place.
But I had to willingly surrender the very last bit of my life to her.
My kids.
I had to give them to her on a silver platter, with a smile.
The last thing from my old life that I got to keep and call ONLY MINE.
Is also what I have to give away and share.
It is out of my control.
I cannot hoard them any longer.
So I am here weeping.
Mostly because I am on my period, but also because this transition kind of hurts.
The girls seem to like her.
So I can't really be upset.
I am not mad, I am not in love with this man anymore.
But questions do arise from time to time in my mind.
A lot of things I don't understand.
I'm not sure if I want to, but right now they questions keep flowing in my mind.
She literally took my place, she might do a little more in regards to taking care of him and his kids.
But all she did was take my spot.
He has what we had, but with someone else.
I don't know why I'm feeling this, I haven't thought about this or felt this for so long.
But I don't know.
I had to be the bigger person and put my pride aside just to make this all happen.
Would he have ever done this for me?
FUCK NO.
But here I am.
Here I always am for everyone.

Sometimes I feel like this is the perfect time to go.
I mean nothing to no one.
I have been told countless times that I can be easily replaced.

I am in love with someone that is in love with all the ghosts from his past.
No matter what I do, he cannot see me.
I try everything to show him that I am here, and he still does not care to see me.
He doesn't care to know me, or what makes me...me.
He knows my body to an extent, but not how the insides work or why.
Our relationship is very one-sided.
Our world rotates solely around him, and his wants, and his needs.
I cannot argue, I cannot reject, I cannot question, I can only accept.
It is his way, or I can be replaced.
If he see's something that I do, that he doesn't like it needs to be changed.
I need to correct, or remove whatever it is that he doesn't like.
Or else he will just leave me.
Because I mean nothing.
It balances out I guess.
There's that part of our relationship.
Then there's this romantic side.
He took me on my first ever date out of town.
He was all over me, holding my hand the whole drive.
Holding my hand the whole entire time.
Opening car doors, all the doors for me.
Paying for everything.
When we left the aquarium he even took me to the gift shop to pick something out.
Everywhere we go he tries to buy me stuff.
Which I'm not used to.
Every chance we get, we are all over each other.
Making out, touching each other, just everything.
He makes me feel so wanted.
When we are away from the valley I just feel like we are free from everything.
It feels so amazing.
There's just so many little things that him and I both enjoy, that no one we were every with before ever enjoyed so we couldn't enjoy them out of sacrifice for them.
But now we have each other.
So we can enjoy them together.
And we do.
I got fingered in the middle of the ocean on a boat ride, I gave a BJ at the zoo in front of an animal.
Idk there's just so many things that make this exciting.
He took me to a cute little candle lit dinner off Beverly Dr. in Beverly Hills.
Idk, I've never had a man treat me like this or do these things for me.
It's just so different.

But that's where it ends.
That's as far as we go.
He, just like every other man isn't in love with me.
I'm just here, I'm just the special of the day.
He will keep me if I'm willing to stay.
And I am, because like he said "no one will ever treat you like I treat you".
Translation: he is the best I am going to get.
Which is possibly true.
Once again, I do not know.


This is where it gets dark for me.
One thing about me and my life that I will have you know is, it never stays good for long.
And when it feels good, something always happens to strip it away from me.
So lately with my kids accepting his girlfriend and him finally having his life all together, idk what do they all need me for.
And with him, my boyfriend.
Well, he's said so himself I'm replaceable.
I'm just filling a position that will always be there.
 bhdtrdgs