the editor of my life.
I need to get some stuff off my chest, some feelings, some daily thoughts, that all wrap around one person and one person only.
Dear Leonardo,
For some reason I want to call you babe, but I'm not sure I really can. Anyways, I really hope you're okay, I hope you're safe and doing amazing. The girls and I really miss you. I have your high school ID card in the girls' diaper bag and Eve grabs it all the time and yells "DADDY!!!!" with the biggest smile on her face. Sometimes she even kisses your picture on the ID card. You've been gone about a year now, well we've been broken up a year and you've been away from Eve and Emi for that long. I really wish things could've went differently Leo, I really do. Words can't really express how sorry I am for putting you in the positions that I did at the condo. I was always against you siding with the enemy. I didn't see that then, but I see that now. I took you for granted when you were doing amazing. I don't really want to go back to that though honestly. It's in a really bad part of my past that I'd just rather not remember. I don't want to sit here and throw all the bad things that went on between us in your face, or all the wrongs that you've done. No matter what Leo, in all honesty I love you. I like really love you, whether you believe it or not I really do. Just the mention of your name during the day can make me cry. I'm crying right now. Talking about you, or us, or our past just breaks me down into little vulnerable pieces. I've never cared for or longed for anyone in my life the way I do for you. I know you don't believe me Leo, I know you doubt me and believe I've moved on to other things. The truth is I haven't, I probably should but I can't. My days honestly feel incomplete without hearing from you, it makes me sick to my stomach not knowing you're okay. Apart of me truly believes you're my soul mate. Because I can't be okay without you, I've tried for a year now and I can't let go of you. My soul longs for you, it needs you, I need you. The moment our lives are intertwined again, and the girls are sleeping in their beds, and I'm nestled in your arms in our bed is the day I will finally sleep through the whole night and my mind will be at peace. You're the missing puzzle piece to my life. Our girls need you. Eve and Emilia love you Leo, you are their father and nothing on this earth is ever going to change that. I want you to understand that I love you, not just hear the words and let them pass you by. I want you to feel that I love you, I want you to love me the same in return. I never mean to hurt you, or do anything to cross you Leo. I just want to know if you can forgive me? If you can forgive me for everything that happened at the condo, everything that happened to 'us'? I'm not asking for you back, or anything like that, I want you to know that you are loved and appreciated. You gave me the two best gifts I could have ever gotten in my whole life, Eve and Emilia. Your seeds changed my life forever. If I wouldn't have found you on grad night and we wouldn't have got together, then I really don't know where I would be or what I'd be doing. Because of you, I became grounded and a better person. You helped me become who I am today, a mother. And I can never thank you enough for that. You also gave me love that I've never experienced before in my life. You made me feel beautiful on a daily basis, and just loved me for me. You didn't mind my curves, and my stupid personality. You just loved me, and did whatever you could do to make me happy. I didn't see that, but I do now. It's your turn Leo, I want to love you and make you happy on a daily basis. I want you to feel loved. You deserve love Leo, I promise you do. I pray for you every single day, I'm not giving up on you. You can think that I don't care and I'm living my own life but that's not true Leo. My days consist of waking up to the girls, getting them ready, feeding them, taking them to the baby sitters, going to work or school, picking up the girls, going home, feeding them, taking them a bath, then putting them to sleep, then watch some tv or do some homework. That is my daily routine over and over and over. I never really have a day off, unless I work nights. When I work nights I pretty much have the day off and go in at liek 5:30. Those are my favorite days because I get to spend the days with the girls. I have no time to hang out with anyone. Ask Chela and Danielle, that's why they hate me sometimes because I never have time to hang out with them. I feel like there are some things you're not telling me, theses past few months we haven't really talked and you don't really tell me everything. I just want to know Leo, I want to know you're feelings. I CARE! With all my heart, I just want the best for you. With me or not, I want you to be the best you can be. I want you to be clean inside and out, to have a good job, establish a relationship with God, and be the best father you can be to our girls. I promise they love you Leo, they look at you with pure love. Their love is the purest love you're ever going to get, please don't break their hearts. Once you break a childs heart, they're scarred for life. And I'm not just saying that either. I'm not saying I want the fairytale ending with the white picket fence, but I want something like that for our girls. And for us, I'm not sure how you feel. I don't know if I'm what you want anymore. You're who I want, and If I have to wait I'll wait. But I'm only going to wait if you're trying to get better, and do better. If you're doing the same things I don't want to waste my time waiting for someone who is just goofing off. I need you to be my partner, my rock, my go-to person. I need you to encourage me, be there for me, love me, cherrish me, and love our girls. I don't know how to end this really. I'm not sure I want to, If if I could talk to you forever I would but I have school tomorrow and dishes to do. Regardless of everything I'm proud of you and your progress, I'm always going to be you're cheerleader Leo. I'm always going to you YOUR Esther. I love you, don't you ever forget that. Besos besos besos, kiss kiss kiss, KISS HER KISS HER KISS HER! MUAH! 5/27/10
Love always,
Esther E. Leon
No comments:
Post a Comment