Love ain't

"It's a cancer that rots your soul, tosses demons off the road, just use caution and know that love ain't nothing but a loss of control."

That is my all time favorite quote from a song.
So true.
True to the core.

My mind is constantly occupied with thoughts, mostly of Leo.
Solely for the fact that I haven't heard from him in a week straight.
That's never happened, since the day I've met him we haven't been out of contact.
Well minus the time he was locked up.
So I'm worried.
Because he's not at the mission anymore, he's like literally homeless on the streets.
I received a call the other day from Saul.
Telling me he ran into Leo and how horrible he looked and that he was doing super bad, talking to his imaginary friends, looked older and thinner, and had bags of his stuff.
He was also saying how Leo was telling him stories how he was in the marines, and he went to rehab, and also that he was staying under a tree around the corner.
Basically Saul called to tell me Leo is crazy and I need to stay away from him.
Haven't heard of or about Leo since that phone call.
I actually called his mom and she knows nothing of his whereabouts either.
And it kills me every single second.
Every second that i'm not occupied, my thoughts wonder to Leo.
I wonder where he's at, I wonder what he's doing, I wonder if he's ate, I wonder if he's showered, I wonder where he's slept.
Something about my heart can't let him go.
Something about my heart can't let people go really.
If you were ever in my life before for any reason, you will always have a place in there and I will always care for you.
Regardless what you did to me or if we've parted ways, I still have love for you.
It's just my heart, that's how it works.
Thats how I function.
I'm loving and caring.
I'd give you the clothes on my back as long as you needed them.
That's just me.
I love you and I'll never stop.

Which is the case with Leo.
No matter how wrong he has done me, I just want to hug him, hold him, kiss him, and take him in.
I know I can make him better.
I know he can get back to where he was.
If I help him.
Well that's what I'd like to think.
Everywhere I go, everywhere I drive I find myself looking for him.
I find myself searching for him.
Any male I see walking the streets I check to see if it's him.
Leonardo Castro.
I just want him back healthy, mentally healthy.
Inside, deep inside I cry and I cry and I cry.
But no one ever sees, not even myself.
I get the lump in my throat and that muscle flexed feeling in my eye for holding back my tears.
It happens all the time.
I just want to know that he's okay, I don't want to be worried for the rest of my life.
I want him to become someone and succeed.
I don't want him to be one of those crazy bums that talk to themselves as they walk the streets.

I look at myself and my life, and then I think about him and his life.
He's at the bottom of the barrel and I'm at the top...or atleast getting there.
I'm on my feet living life, loving our girls, working, going to school.
Making the best out of everything and he's diminishing day by day.
It kills me, because we were supposed to be a team and he was supposed to be doing this all with me.
This was my fear, this is why I hesitated on keeping Emi.
Because Eve was already in this mess.
But Emi coudl've had the chance to get out.
Back then I knew Leo and I were never going to work out, but I never htought it'd turn out like this.
I never thought he'd become what he's become.
Back then my worries and issues were fighting, now my issues are life and death.
Well for Leo anyways.
I didn't want to bring another baby into all of this pain and strife.
I dind't want Emi to grow up without a father, and mostly I didn't want to be a single mother burdening my parents by having them help me.
But I kept Emi because I never thought that this would happen.
I don't regret keeping Emi at all because my love for her is everlasting, she is the most precious little baby you'll ever meet.
She is such an amazing baby and I'm not just saying that.
She is always happy, never really crys, and just loves me for being me, her mother.
I'm proud of my decision to keep her.
It was the best choice I've ever made in my life.
But I just didn't want to bring her into this.
For some reason I can't cry.
I just can't.

Every love song I listen to, I think about him.
I really don't know why I think about him so much.
Yeah I get it that I love him, like I really love him.
But I don't know why he constantly consumes my thoughts.
He owns my mind and it isn't healthy.
Sometimes I even think about looking for him.
Just driving around until I find him.
But I can't, I won't let myself.
I just pray, really.
I just pray and hope that God is real and he hears me.

In all honesty I'm just so broken hearted it's fucking ridiculous.
WHY ME?
Why the girl with the biggest fucking heart in the world?
WHY am I the one who gets fucked over?
Why and I the one who can't be fucking loved by a wonderful ass guy?
WHY ME?
This isn't fucking bad karma because I've never fucked up anyone inside this bad.
The way that I'm hurting every single fucking day of my life.
I've never done anything like this to make someone feel as fucking horrible as I do everyday.
I hurt every single day.
NO ONE UNDERSTANDS.
Yeah, what the fuck ever I deserve this because 'I chose to open my legs right'? WRONG.
It takes two to tango!
TWO TO FUCK AND MAKE A BABY!
MAKE LOVE, WHAT THE FUCK EVER!
Why am I the one that gets left in the dust, left to pick up the pieces.
WHY AM I LEFT WITH THE WEIGHT OF THE FUCKING WORLD ON MY SHOULDERS...alone.
I'm doing it all, and with a smile that hides such a dark world.
I'm in pain, emotional pain.
No one knows that, not one sould walking this earth knows that.
I don't let anyone know that I'm vulnerable.
I don't let anyone know that I'm in pain.
I suffer in silence, behind closed doors, while everyone is sleeping, when I'm all alone.
That's when I break down.
That's when I let myself know how I feel.
That's when I finally admit yes, yes being a single mother is hard.
Being a single mother who never gets to really spend time with her kids fucking hurts.
Being a single mother going to school and working my ass off is fucking hard.
But I do it all, I do all of it witha smile and pretend I love it.
I make the world believe that it's a walk in the park for me, I make the world believe that what I do is easy.
I lie to the world everyday, because it's fucking hard.
My life isn't my life, my life is my girls' life.
My life is dedicated to them and only them.
WHY?
Because I love them, and I made this mess so I need to clean it up.
Regardless, I want to give my girls the best life I possibly have the power to give them.
I want them to know, I loved them.
I gave up everything, to live for them.
They changed me for the better inside and out.
It just hurts that this isn't how it should be.
I should be able to stay home and enjoy them rather than just be with them when I can.
Daddy is supposed to work while I be with the girls and take care of the home.
But that's not the case, and I'm not sure if that'll ever be the case.

How do I cope with all of this?
I listen to music and use the girls' smile as fuel to go on.
I would like to get high, or drown myself in a bottle of pills but I'm a mother now.
I'm better than that.

Let me just end this on a horrible note:
I was just informed that one of my closest unlces has cancer.

God is good isn't he?