where my heart is.
Or a fraction of it anways.
I almost cried at work today, so I figured I'm overflowing with all this emotional clutter I need to release it before I do actually cry.
Whenever they put me in clothing at work, it's kind of therapeudic.
Like being at work is my 'ME' time, but when I'm in clothing I'm not really bothered by anyone (unless we're super busy) and that gives me time to think.
And I think about Leo everyday.
And well he consumed my thoughts today.
And I almost cried.
He got kicked out of his grandmas house, and he's homeless now.
Living at the Rescue Mission.
My biggest fear was that happening to him and well look it did.
I blame myself over and over and over and over and over.
I don't know how to feel, I mean in my heart I want to help him and just hug him and hold him and make him dinner.
But it's not that easy.
He's at ground zero right now, maybe even below.
There are days that he calls me and I get him, it's him the real him.
And then there are the days where there is a third party in our conversations.
He always reacts spiratically to anything I say well when he's coming down.
But when he's on it, I'm nothing. Its almost as if I'm not even there.
I always just flash back to where we were one year ago.
Living in the condo with eachother.
He was working, I just stayed at home with Eve and cooked and cleaned.
The good times we have is all I see now, even though he put me through hell and back.
As I did him for letting my cousin influence my thoughts about him.
That's my biggest regret.
Letting Reina talk me out of being with him every single day.
Eventually I started to believe everything that she was saying was true.
That's what broke us, I always sided with her over him.
It's my fault.
The thing about Leo is I don't know everything about him.
I know some things but not all.
I fell in love with his confidence, his artistic ways, his ambition, and that he accepted me for who I am.
I remember sitting on that bus on our way home from grad night, he was holding my hand and promising me that he was gonna show me that he was different from the rest.
TAKE ME BACK TO THAT NIGHT, TAKE ME BACK TAKE ME BACK!!!!!
Leo showed me thug passion, I've never made love with anyone the way that I did with Leo.
He scarred me for life.
He was so passionate, I fell in love.
I want him back, I want that Leo back.
Am I a fool for wanting to be with the father of my children?
Am I a fool for wanting my little family?
Yes, yes I am.
Deep down, that's exactly what I want.
But I know better.
I've been down that road and it wasn't a pleasant one.
In all honesty, sure if Leo gets better and wakes up, cleans up, gets a job, and becomes a father...sure lets give it another try.
But lets be realistic here...
I'm not looking for anyone.
I'm not waiting for anyone.
I'm just coastin'.
I'm living my life for Eve and Emilia.
They are my world, they are the loves of my life.
I would die without them.
They are my reason for waking up every morning.
Eve with her crazy hair, her daddys stare, and her skin so fare.
Emi with her big ol' eyes, thunder thighs, and love for my lullabies.
My girls.
Eve is spicy and Emi is so sweet.
They are both so different.
I live each day to find out the new things that they learn.
They are so smart and observe everything.
Eve talks so much and Emi eats so much.
They are beyond perfect.
Both of them.
TRIPLE E>.
It's not easy being 20 years old with two babies.
People look at me different because I have two kids, honestly I do NOT CARE.
The only thing that gets me is the fact that I'm away from them so much.
Between school W,Th,F for 10 hours a day, and work Sa,Su,M,T I never have a day off.
I never really get to just be with them.
So I cherrish every chance that I do get.
I'm going to beauty school in hopes of getting a better job.
Eventually I want to go to college but I know that's going to take time.
Lots of time.
I'm actually working on getting my own place.
I'm sure I'm going to get the brand new apartments on Clinton, because I'm the first one on the list.
I just have to start buying all the stuff for my house little by little.
I have a plan for my life, but I'm not exactly sure it's Gods plan.
Hopefully one day, my wonderful husband comes and rescues me from all my troubles and sweeps me off my feet.
I need a real good man.
A really amazing husband that's going to love and cherrish every single inch of my being and just love my daughters also.
Someone whose going to understand and accept me for everything that I am.
Well everyone that I am, because I'm a packaged deal.
I used to write about a guy.
He's still in my life.
Still doing the same things (me).
I don't know how to get rid of him.
My heart and mind tell me one thing, and my urges tell me another.
I hate him, everything about him, but I can't say no to him.
He has power over my body, that's it though.
He hangs out with the people I hate, the stupid ass man whores who are in love with themselves.
He likes the music I hate.
He talks to whores.
He thinks he's hood when he's NOT.
He talks a big game but is a big pussy.
I just hate everything about his stupid ass self.
I don't know why.
I can't find myself to get up and reject him.
We only have sex.
Always have since September 09'.
And it's just sex.
A 'booty call' if you will.
(He's the only person I do this with, I'm not a whore...just his for the night).
I have nostalgic problems, and I'm not sure if I hold onto him because he was apart of the part of my past that I loved.
Did that make sense?
Or because he's super sexy with his tall self, covered in tattoos, has big gauges, and drives an old school Chevy Impala.
He wasn't all that when I met him though.
He was fat, stupid, and a wannabe.
I liked him better then.
Anyways, right after we finish it's like he treats me like shit.
And I don't like that.
I feel like shit after.
Like when I find bite marks on my body, or hickies I'm somewhat proud that our sex life is that good.
But then he won't call or text me after that.
Unless he wants some more of me.
Like the other day when I was leaving his house, he walked me outside, hugged me and I bit his neck.
He litterally pushed me away and walked away.
I haven't talked to him since.
Like wtf!
You can leave hickies on my neck, hickies and bite marks on my ass and titties but that's okay?
But God forbid theres a mark on your neck player?
What a tangled web I've spun.
Jesus give me strength to reject my booty call.
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