Bloody hell,

a.k.a. SHARK WEEK for me, yes indeed because you totally want to know right?
I'm emotional, I'm damaged, I'm yeah...a mess.


I guess my hormones are at an all time high, especially for lashing out on everyone or just not talking to anyone at all.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm 'sulking in my sadness', I guess I'm just dealing.
Moreover, me not talking to anyone literally gives me more time to think.
Which gives me more time to regret, and overanalyze.

I just feel like no one is there for me, I honestly feel like no one cares about me or how I feel about anything.
I don't feel like my feelings or what I'm going through or dealing with is relavant to anyone around mes' life.
Everyone who once called themselves my friend or even 'best' friend, well they're all gone.
No calls, no texts, no nothing.
And it's like everyone spills their trials, and tribulations to me, but I have no one to vent to.
Because when it's my turn to vent, they all of the sudden have to get off the phone or stop texting me.
Which is why I hate people.
I really do, everyone is so damn self absorbed it's sad.
I have no friends.
Like I'm not just saying that, I have not ONE friend I can just call and cry my shit day too.
That's all I want right now, is just a friend.
Not even my own mother gives a shit.
Information that put me in a funk and caused me to be emotional about Leo, came up today.
And I was on the verge of telling my mother because I needed to vent but of course, a phone call is way more important than anything going on with me.
So I just shut the fuck up and come write on this computer because no one gives a flying fuck about me.

I can't say I feel that even if I tell someone, that they'll genuinely care.
I'm so done with relationships of any sort like really.
Day by day I feel my heart growing callace.
I want nothing to do with emotional attatchment.
It's a waste of time and energy to me.
I've been done so wrong is by every stage of relationship that I no longer desire such thing.
Yeah maybe a response back would suffice for my sorrows and need of advice but actually I'll pass.
People just ask for advice for coversation, they're mind is already made up.

The only person who somewhat hears me out is Chela, she visits me and the girls like once a month and keeps in contact with me weekly.
But I can't call her crying I guess.
I tried but she said she had another call or some shit.

So yeah, all this stress and emotional bologna I have bottled up is killing me and I feel like it's over flowing.
Like Leo is such a touchy subject with me.
The mention of his name or anything pertainging to him and the girls together, just fucks up my mental.
I start crying like literally.
It's just how my body reacts to that subject.
It's a wound not healed.

To be honest I can't stress to you enough how much what went wrong with him and I fucks up my day...everyday.
He's gone.
Like mentally, he's just not there in his head.
The drugs, the demons, took him over.
I went to see him today, and well let him see the girls for a split second because he sounded decent on the phone.
I was wrong.
So wrong to have done that.
I just wanted to cry, I did when I drove away because Eve kept saying "Bye Dad", over and over until we got to Target.
And that broke my heart, and I know if I keep letting her see him it will break her little heart too.
He didn't even bother with Emi which really hurt me.
And I wanted to slap the shit of of his grandma.
She asked him if Emi was his!
WHAT THE FLYING FUCK? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND?
Emi is Leo in a damn dress, head to toe she is the female version of him.
It just breaks me down, like I feel shattered inside.
After his grandma asked him that his demeanor changed.
His face, his eyes, everything just turned evil and cold.
He actually looked like he was going to hit me or strangle me.
After she said that he put Eve down, put his hoodie on, and walked away, back inside of his house.
That wasn't him, it was the demons.
He didn't come near me really the whole time.
I still pray for him and hope that one day, just one day he'll wake up before his girls are old enough to remember...and hate him for abandoning them.
I went to the gas station right next to my school earlier after school to withdrawl money to pay Freddy for the tamales I bought from him, and I ran into one of Leo and I's good friend Tony.
(Tony was there the first months me and Leo got together).
We were catching up and he was telling me how all the guys from AKM (Leos old krew) went to go see Leo yesterday.
They were telling Leo to get his shit together, if he knows that he has two daughters not one but two, he needs to get clean, he needs to get a job, he needs to support his family etc.
But they were telling Tony that he's 'out of it' that he's 'gone in the head'.
He's too far gone in tweak.
And he is.
But all the dudes from AKM that went to check Leo were the dudes I hated in the beginning because they were single tryna get him to party.
And now the tables have turned, and these guys didn't turn out to be that bad.
It warmed my heart because those guys from AKM are fathers now, so to me I felt like them going over there to talk to him was for my girls.
Which made me feel really good.
They went over there as fathers, not as AKM.
I just cried because it means so much to me.

Going through hell and back with someone, can really make you love them more.
Obviously look at me.