Demented Bliss.

DEMENTED BLISS DEMENTED BLISS DEMENTED BLISS.
TONY TONY TONY TONY TONY TONY TONY TONY TONY.

ROLLER COASTER RIDE WON'T YOU EVER TAKE MY SIDE?

SITUATION HECTIC, ROMANTICALLY DOMESTIC.

I'm trying my hardest to be able to try and put these crazy events in my life all in this clustered little series of paragraphs.

The writing above were thoughts or feelings I had kept in my phones notes, due to a certain male in my life.
I can't even really decide where to begin.
But I know we left off on my declaration of hate towards that young gentlemen...

I just need to understand moreover where exactly my brain and my feelings are at towards this whole situation.
He still has a girlfriend, and he still spends the night at my house.
We don't do anything sexual though.
Well other than him choking me until I'm on the verge of passing out and I end up crying because I see my life flash before my eyes.
Is that normal to be turned on by something like that?
Basically, we end up talking to eachother on a daily basis. All day everyday, then we end up hanging out and it's not even him hanging out with me. He wants time with my daughters.
And he spends the most time with my daughters out of any male that has ever walked through the doors of my house.
He plays with them, he cuddles with them, he takes care of them, he feeds them, he wipes their boogers, and he just wants to protect them and make sure they're okay.
He actually prefers them over me, and that just melts my heart.
Because not even their biological father has ever cared about either of them the way that Tony does.
And that's something I can't understand but I can.
The only way on this earth, that a man can love children that are not his own, is because he loves the mother.
He loves the mother so much that he loves her kids.
I even call on Tony for things as if he's the girls dad.
It's really weird, but to my honestly nothing has ever felt so right.
And that's the scariest part...

As for romantically, well their is no romance really.
Other than him talking sweet to me confessing that he can't ever let me go.
And cuddling on my butt or legs when he doesn't remember he has a gf.
I don't mind anything actually.
Nothing Tony does bothers me, not even his mood swings.
And he's going through something right now, and every single normal girl in this world would've ran for the hills such a long time ago.
But I can't let him go, no matter how much I pray, no matter how much I try to discipline myself, no matter what he's always on my mind.
I know he has issues, more than the average person.
I know so much about him, but I keep his secrets inside of me, literally.
He's diagnosed so many different things, but he's normal to me.
I'm attracted to every single thing about him.
From the way he jerks his body so quickly while sleeping to change positions, to the way he talks about my girls, to the way he takes control of every situation, to the way he loves God, and the list can only go on and on.
From everything that he's been through and who he is or who he's choosing to be, I'm amazed, I'm proud of him.
Whether or not he's going to be mine in the future, I love him and I always will.
I started loving him three years ago and it's only gotten stronger now.
I recently just had a miscarriage, and it was his.
8 weeks old, our baby was 8 weeks old.
He or she, is in heaven now.
I guess everything happens for a reason.
To tell you the truth though, I wanted more than anything to be pregnant with his baby.
More than anything.
I didn't even know that I was pregnant, I was craving peanut butter so bad!
And when I laid down or did strenuous things, I felt a little like gap in my lower stomach.
I didn't think anything of it though, but I was wrong and I should've.
Maybe if I took extra precaution things would've been different, but then again I can't sit here and dwell on it.
Either way, I love that baby and I love it's father.