i can't say

i've ever felt murdered in my whole entire life.
until this magic moment.
day 3 of hell. day 3 of just existing. day 3 of pretending. day 3 of compromising. day 3 of dying. day 3 of crying. day 3 of waiting on you. day 3 of mental pain. day 3 of ALL pain possible. day 3 of being dead.
now please, everyone a big round of applause for Leonardo Castro!
wooooooooooooooooooooooo!

since the moment i got pregnant, every single choice that i have made has been for my daughter, if it wasn't in her favor or going to benefit her i turned the other way.
if only i could say the same for you...if only, if only.
i'm sitting at home crying on the computer typing my feeling because i have no real friends.
and because you are out drinking with your so-called neighborhood friends.
did i mention getting high? and most likely chirp chirp?
and i'm 23 weeks pregnant. my little baby will be here sometime in mid April.
and do you have a job? how many times a week do you look for one?

not to mention i've never had so much verbal and mental abuse by anyone is my whole entire life.
not even from an enemy. you treat me like some slut, you talk to me like i'm one too.
and it hurts, that you're the person i'm having a baby with.
and yet, when you do anything wrong, when you do anything bad, or drugs or drink ultimately you say it's because i pushed you to it.
if i wouldn't of nagged at you or say that thing that you forgot i said to you, you wouldn't have gotten high or drank.
but of course, it's all MY fault. mine, not yours.
i make you do the things you do, i make you how you are.
isn't that right now?
and yet, i still don't know how i stay with you. you are the father of my child.
you're out there doing God knows what...and i'm always stuck at home.
yet i'm the one you constantly question?
and every single time i do go out, with family or with my ONE friend...you manage to somehow ruin it every single time.
it never ever fails.
every single holiday went from good to shit&piss all because of you.

one half of my heart is saying i love you, while the other half is asking myself WHY THE FUCK?
i am in those tangled webs i used to make fun of girls for being in...Karma's a bitch que no?
a big one too.
we haven't had sex in two weeks, and thats the longest we've ever went without it.
so i'm guessing that's part of why you've been acting up 10x more than you ever have.
but still, i don't see why your happiness must lay in the hands of whether we have sex or not.
because that's the only time you're really happy is when we do.
and i'm not all about that, sure i love it, but for the most part i'd rather lay around with you and talk.
because when you really love someone their company alone should be good enough.
that's me. but i'm not sure if thats you.

i hate calling you, when all i get is no answer.
that's the worst feeling in the world. no knowing where you are, and you not answering your phone.
you are by far the worst boyfriend i've ever had.
and the one who's hurt me the most.
i compare you to my first love and how me and him used to be.
and i am no where near as happy as i was then. bliss was an understatement for how he made me feel.
when i am no where near bliss. it's something i dream of instead.
and apart of me believes love is dead, it's a card you can only use on one person.
and i used it already. so the rest is just whatever i try to make into that.
and it's sad.
it's sad that i'm settling for this. for him. for the way he treats me. like i'm dirt. like i'm a whore. like i'm worthless.
did i mention that he told me yesterday, well i was saying how i hate how he's only happy when we have sex and he said "well if you're not going to give it to me i'll find it somewhere else!"
taht broke my heart.
i started crying dead in my tracks. at the swapmeet.
while i watched him walk off and leave me all by myself.
and he didn't come back for me at all.


gosh i'm in love...



on OPPOSITE day.

i hate my situation that i'm in with you.
and like i said i would have my baby now, but with someone who wasn't you Leo Castro.
and your constant reason for treating me like shit was because i show you now love.
well if you want to know why i show you no love. read all these recent entries and they shall solve all your unanswered questions.
;]




running the opposite direction as fast as you can, guess not even a baby can turn you into a man...♥