I'm right where he wants

Me to be.

I'm numb again, Gods voice is gone again, I don't want to pray again, I hate everyone again, oops I did it again.

I have a head ache.

Hearing how I destroyed you gives me a sense of empowerment yet makes me feel horrible and sorry.

You were innocent in all this, I took away your innocence.

I didn't even want to have sex with you to be honest.

You're a man of God, a virgin, a youth pastor, a popular Internet preacher, and so many people look up to you.

And I took your purity.

If only people know all the things I know about you, you're no where near as holy as you make the world believe.

Neither am I, but I don't give myself such a title for that reason.

Once it happened I felt horrible and it made me realize how much I didn't want you to be my boyfriend.

After you left I sat down on my kitchen floor and sobbed and let God hold me.

I repented and talked with God.

I realized that you're purity and the love I thought it had for God was what I liked.

I thought you were going to be the only guy that wasn't going to try anything with me because you're a man of God.

Well I was wrong, I must really be "sexual satan".

We started wrestling in the most innocent sense.

And then I bit your arm and you started biting my neck.

And you continued, and the bites turned to hickies, and the hickies turned to boners...that turned into blue balls.

Even tho we didn't have sex that night I still felt horrible.

The thing that got me the most was I stopped multiple times saying "No, you don't want to do this Michael", MULTIPLE times I asked if he was sure.

But he was beyond willing to give away something 'sacred' to him.

I didn't want to but I did it anyways.

And I felt nothing at all.

Emotionally, I was just numb watching his emotions sway in amazement.

The look in his eyes is what weirded me out.

I hated myself so much after, and the second time was worse. I was literally hearing God tell me, "No Esther, you don't have to do it...you can say no. You're not married, he blinded and vulnerable. Don't do it!"

And I ignored him and did what I know best.

I've psychoanalyzed myself about this whole sexual predicament I've been in.

The root is deep, goes all the way back to my rape...at age 4.

I was programmed molded into believing the only way to make someone happy was sexually.

I can't say no because I was taught to sexually prefer the other person and just take it.

That's why I've always sexually loved being submissive, it's all I know.

I can recall numerous times that I've screamed NO inside my head. Numerous times I've begged myself not to do certain things with a guy but I make myself. I kinda feel like something else comes over me and I'm gone...well just deep inside myself put on mute.

To be honest I think I'm sexually possessed. I really think I am sexual satan.

Guys always trip out on my eyes during sex, a couple times I've been told they're scary.

Maybe because it wasn't me that they were seeing?

Idk...