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HER EMOTIONS SWING.

SWAY?

GO AWAY?

OR COMPLETELY COME TO SURFACE?

My vision literally starts to blur when my heart, mind, and soul do the same.

Call me corny but I'm being honest.

If I think too much, I need my glasses but when I'm good I have 20/20.

Tomorrow is my court date.

The finalization of my restraining order against Leo.

It breaks my heart, literally.

Even though we had the worst relationship if that's even what you want to call it, my heart was in it and I cared about him and loved him.

I remember when we lived at the condo, one night we were all lovey dovey and he proposed to me in front of my Aunt and cousins.

I said yes, the next week he got me a ring to put on my finger.

I will never forget that night he proposed.

My Aunt was drunk and sat me down at the table and asked me, "Can you tell me what you love about him? Why are you in love with him?". "Because I don't see it Esther, you look miserable, are you in love with him?"

My answer to her last question was no.

And the first two, I had no words other than the thought of our sex life. But I just kept that in my thoughts because I couldn't be that open with my Aunt.

 Our sex life was the only thing that held us together for so long.

We were fighting we had sex, we were horny we had sex, we were sad we had sex, we were mad we had sex, we were alone we had sex, we were high we had sex, we hadn't seen each other so we had sex, we were cuddling we had sex, all we did was have sex for every single little thing or reason.

The only thing I looked forward to with Leo wasn't our conversation, it was the next time we were going to have sex.

I had no such relationship with him, our issues got swept under the mattress we had sex on and by the time we were done we were happy and that's all that mattered. 

The worst thing we could've done was throw a baby into that.

What a horrible situation to bring a baby into.

Two people who aren't in love, having a baby together. MAKE THAT TWO BABIES.

And look at us now, I was abandoned with my two daughters by their father who left us for the streets.

He's now a slave to tweak.

And he's mentally gone.

I was once told that where he is and what he's doing is because of me.

I create monsters out of the men that I've been with (according to a new born monster who blames me for his series of unfortunate events).

I know that's not true, but the accusation lingers around my thought process.

And when I think about Leo and when and where it all went wrong my mind strays to a far away place.

I start digging into my memory, mentally reliving everyday and every moment.

Dissecting each and every negative moment we had and every fight to figure out what triggered him to decide to resort to tweak...

This is what my brain consists of for the evening.

   

I'll write more tomorrow I have court at 8 in the morning.