Ending my life.

Sometimes ending my life sounds plausable.
It sounds perfect for myself and the world around me.
Is there even a world around me?
Who are these people and what are their intentions?
Do they really give a flying fuck about what goes on in my mind?
Do they really give a flying fuck about what I feel or are they just listening to me to see if they can one-up whatever I'm saying?
Why can't the world have a heart like mine?

I have a heart of gold with everlasting love.
For everyone who has ever entered my heart in anyway, well they have never left.
They are for keepsake.
I keep them tucked in my bed of memories, and sometimes I like to snuggle in the sheets.
The smells, the touch, the comfort...of what once was.
Sometimes I just like to lay my head on the pillow, at night with my eyes open just sulking.
And that is why I can't sleep in real life, because I'm asleep in the bed of memories in my head.


I hope the world can have a little bit more of understanding as to why I don't sleep at night, or at all.
I think I'm just telling my self for my own fucking sanity.
I feel insane and moreover I feel lost.
I feel like my life is in chaos.
I feel dirty.
I don't feel that I can speak to anyone because no one really gives a fuck to be honest.
Not one single person.
NOT ONE.
Have you ever told a story to someone and right in the middle the person pretends to be easily distracted by something and then you get so frustrated with them that you don't even want to continue?
Yeah, story of my life.
NO ONE GIVES A FLYING FUCK ABOUT ANYTHING YOU HAVE TO SAY ESTHER.

Eve has been throwing up with the stomach flu since last Wednesday and no one gives a fuck, well just my mom.
But either way I'm dealing with this ALL ALONE.
I'm fucking alone.
At the end of the night who the fuck is sleeping next to me? Helping me? Hugging me?
NO ONE NO ONE NO ONE!
I'M ALL FUCKING ALONE!
Every car ride, every hospital visit, at work, at school, at night.
I'm going through life alone.
There is no one by my side to help me with anything.
And I use every single ounce of life and love in my body to not go completely insane.
The only thing on this earth that is literally getting me to maintain my sanity is my daughters.
They are what keeps me going every single day, and I don't mean that in a cliche way at all.
My life is about to break into pieces within the next few weeks.
No one can relate to me.

I have the weight of the whole entire world on my shoulders.
This is the hand which I have been dealt by choice.
I understand.
Everything that I'm dealing with is on me, it's my fault.

Leo is in jail for 1-3 years or even longer, he won't give me any specific answers and he still has court dates.
Honestly, the love that I thought I had for him is gone.
Completely gone.
I just feel that he's a burden to my life, and someone that I'm forced to deal with because we have kids together.
I care about him, but I give up.
I can't save him, and I'm not sure he can ever be saved.
I'm gonna write him letters but I'm numb.
I try to make myself feel love for him but I can't.
After all these years of dealing with him and waiting, I can't...

I want to go one but I just want to die.

Not because of this, I'm not done venting...
I'm having a nervous breakdown and I don't even feel like writing.