A movie

triggered all these emotions that I'm feeling.
I'm not exactly sure what did though.
I was completely fine being numb.
I can't really feel anything, I don't know what's going to have to happen for me to just finally let it all out.
I'm kind of scared for when that does happen.
Here and there I'll let someone know what's really going on with me but not really.
I'll tell them crumbs but not the whole piece at all.
Theres so much more for me to let out.
On a daily basis it does nothing but add more and more and more.
And I honestly feel like my breaking point is coming closer and closer to me.
Everything almost came out but I was scared.
I never allow myself to cry nor feel vulnerable in front of anyone.
Only one person on this earth knows and has seen me have anxiety attacks and explode and go fucking insane, and that was Leo.
And that is also what made him insane himself.
And I'm the one who drove him into drugs.
I've convinced myself.
I am incapable of ever being loved, it's going to take a special kind of person to tame me.
Let alone love me.
Everyone who has ever pleaded they were never ever going to leave me has left.
Every single person.
I'm alone.
Except Chela, but I still feel that I can't full expose my true self to her because she is burdened enough with her life already and I don't want to fill her plate up some more.

I feel disgusting and I'm just going to be completely honest.
I've done some things or a lot of things in this past month that I have never regretted more in my life.
I currently have a hickey on my shoulder/coller bone, and I've never wanted anything off of my body more in my life.
I feel so disgusting.
That night made me feel fucking disgusting, ughhhhh!
I don't want anything to do with him solely because of how I felt after.
And the fact that he's not my type at all and I still fucking made myself do it anyways.
Nothing about him was attractive to me and I just wanted him to leave the whole time.
I've never felt so disgusting.

And to start on Tony omggggggggg!
At first I was led to believe that he did have true feelings for me, and then we had sex.
And now, even though we stopped talking for about two weeks, we're talking again now.
Even though he did what he did to me, I still talk to him.
WE ACCEPT THE LOVE WE THINK WE DESERVE.
And obviously I believe I deserve shit and piss because that's all I ever get dealt.
He's in lust with me but that's about it.
He's in love with what my mouth can do, and where he can put his body parts.
He doesn't have any desire to know anything about my insides...well my emotional insides.
Sex ruins everything.
That's all he wants to talk about, and I mean I don't mind for the simple fact that I'm a really sexual person but damn.
I'm nothing to him, but a body.
I try to talk with him about my feelings or emotions and he just changes the subject because he doesn't give a fuck.
But I invest in these people as if they actually care about me when they don't.
I make myself believe that the world is like me.
That the world has my heart and my pure intentions, but they don't.
It's a cruel cruel world.
And the poeple in this world do not bare hearts.
Souless zombies.


I don't want anything to do with anyone, I'm broken damaged goods.
I don't want to be someones project.
I don't want someone to feel bad for me.
I just want to be alone for a couple hours and go to places that take me to a good place in my mind.
For me my therapy is honestly leaving town.
Leaving town is the best therapy because I leave the mess behind and get to see the prettier picture.
And then I come home to reality.


Last week I went to Banning to visit Leo in jail, I got myself ready to see him.
Emotionally ready, and so excited to see that he was sober.
I got there an hour early and waited.
Watched the different groups of people visiting someone there.
And all that I could think is that we were all in there for the same reason.
We are incarcerated ourselves.
A piece of us is locked up behind bars, whether it be your husband, brother, son, uncle, friend.
Regardless a piece of you is doing time.
You long for that missing piece.
And that's what it was, I went to see him and they told us it was our visitation time.
I was ecstatic.
We got searched and then put in a room with the telephones and mirrored windows.
All of us gathered around hoping they would come to whichever glass we were near.
We searched after every noise we heard.
I was ready, I was so ready to just be there for Leo and encourage and love him.
And the inmates were let out, every person waiting for the phone booths found who they've been waiting for.
The smiles on their faces were priceless.
I searched for Leo and he wasn't there.
I waited, only to find out he had court that day.
My heart fell to the floor and I cried my whole way to my car, and I cried my whole way home.
Thats the day I went numb and I lost it.
I went to the nearest gas station and bought cigarrettes, and I didn't even smoke them.
I got on the freeway and listened to Carnifex the whole way home.
I also talked myself into suicide the whole way home.
I thought about how easy it would be for me to just turn the car, and let the traffic take my life.
I thought long and hard the whole way home.
Ever since that day, I've been so fucked up in my head and in my heart.
I just wanted to endure some type of physical pain to rid me of my emotional pain.
I don't know why I feel the way that I feel.
I just know that I'm literally alone.

Being away from my daughters to build a better life for them and to put a roof over their heads is nothing easy at all.
God didn't make having a child a purpose for one parents, it's the duties of being a man and a woman.
So all the effort and care God put in a child, was meant for two people to equally share and deal with.
Well I'm doing it all by myself, with two kids.
Going to work, and going to school, having my own apartment, while managing to pay the bills on time.
Along with all this emotional stress, work stress, guy stress, and having no one to talk about it with but a computer who will not respond to you in any way?
WHAT A WONDERFUL FUCKING LIFE.

I'm depressed.
I'm very depressed and thoughts of suicide flood my mind every single day.
The only things that seriously stop me are my daughters.
They have no idea that they save my life every single day I wake up.