Why why why

why does the slightest amount of attention, hold my attention?
How pathetic can I be.
I don't even know.


I stopped talking to all the guys I was talking to, because I'm interested in someone.
Like really.
Idk what to think though, I always have to have all the answers.
And you know me, I over think every little situation until the only outcome I'm left with is the worst possible.
So as much as I want to believe Andrew, I'm not sure.

Andrew was the first guy I ever 'hooked up' with.
He unleashed the beast, and now he's the one making me tame it.
It's kind of a contradiction.
I figured since that's how things were with between us that's how it would remain.
I don't want to think too hard about him or any individual for that fact.

I don't get deep with anyone, or emotionally intact with myself enough to share with them.
Why?
Why when everyone is temporary and going to leave me anyways?
They're going to cum, get what they can out of me or from me, find someone else, and then dip.
Am I wrong?
Is that not the name of the game?
Is that not how it works?
There goes my brain again.

No one wants to stick around and stay.
I'm too much, my life is too much, and I'm sure everyone knows I'm fucking crazy.
Every single guy I've let in on a personal level, has fucked me over, lied to me, got something from me $ wise, and use&abuse.
Get what they need and leave.
Living their happily ever after while I'm left to live by myself and alone.
I bend over backwards to make them happy, and their time for me is limited and only when they say.
I don't want to be like that anymore.
I don't want those type of people in my life anymore.
I can't take anyone serious.
As much as I want to believe Andrew and everything he's telling me, no.
Don't paint me a fucking picture when you know it's going to get thrown away and never looked at again.

Like Saul, he broke my fucking heart.
Did I mention to you the real reason why he stopped talking to me?
Yeah, he told me he didn't want to lie to his 1 year old about his daily activities anymore because that's his daughter blah blah blah.
Yeah I'm not dumb, I knew it was something more I just didn't know what.
Then I go to the fair, run into Mikie and he tells me Saul has another baby on the way.
LIKE WHY THE FUCK CAN'T YOU JUST BE REAL WITH ME, HOW FUCKING HARD IS IT TO TELL YOUR BEST FUCKING FRIEND THE TRUTH.
He knew I wouldn't hate him, he knew I would understand.
He's doing the right thing, for his kids by being a man and staying.
Why would I hate him for that?
Why would I as a single mother not commend him for doing that?
No matter how much I dislike the mother of his children, I would never in a million years want a woman to be alone raising a child. Let alone two.
We've communicated about every single thing in this world and you couldn't tell me about this important ass event coming up in your life.
I don't care about you leaving me, it hurt, it stung like hell but I UNDERSTAND.
I knew it was bound to happen eventually.
I just didn't know when and that it would happen this soon.
Do you know what its like having one person in this world of billions, and only one person understands every single thing that you think and feel.
One person see's the world the way that you see it?
And you finally get to discuss and share your views, points, and ideas.
DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING RARE THAT IS?
We had that, he was the only person on this planet who could flow with my brain and train of thought.
The only person who would bring me back down to earth when I was lost, talking to him was therapy.
I didn't want anything sexual from him, I just wanted his company.
His company, his time, his words, were enough for me.
They would literally get me through my day.
He kept me sane.
And now that's gone.
The comfort, the mutual understanding of one another is all gone.
It's never coming back.


Anyways, the moral of this blast from my hurt past is I don't want to let all of this out, devote all this time and energy on something that's temporary.
I don't want to rent I want to buy.



I mean I even turned Rudy down the other day, which never happens.
I settle for whatever time he gives me because I want to believe he likes me.
He likes me at 4 a.m. when his night is over.
He gives me kisses good bye on the lips.
He likes me when he doesn't text back until hours later.
He likes me when he has a mark on his neck that I didn't create.
He likes me when he ignores me.
He likes me when it's on his time.
He likes me when he penetrates me violently.
He likes me when I've been waiting for years.
He likes me because I'm a secret.
He likes me because I'm willing.
He likes me because I require nothing from him.
He likes me because he can come and go as he pleases.
He likes me right?


I'm stupid by choice, and only by choice.





Reality is too embedded in my head, to see anything else.
that's what it is.


I like Andrew, I just don't want to.
I don't want to get attached.
Here I go overthinking again.
I'm not giving anyone the attention in the way that I give him.
I'm not hooking up with anyone, I'm not texting anyone that's trying to get at me, just him.
Andrew is the only guy in my view.
So we'll see how this goes.


Lets hope I don't scare this one away.