I'm HIGH right now.

And I realize, that I torture myself.
In my head.

I just torture myself period.
I still feel alone.
All the time, every second of every day.
There's not a second that my mind is at peace.
I have the world on my shoulders and hell inside of my head.
You tell me how do you cope with that.
How are you responsible for two lives for the next 18 years of your life, all by yourself.
I am constantly being pulled at by everything in life, from every single fucking direction, every single fucking moment.
I can't sleep.
I have no energy
I'm getting drained daily.
I feel like I'm drowning and every single day is like that one gasp for air that holds me over until I come up and get another breath. Either way I'm still drowning.
That's how I feel.
My reality is in my face constantly.
I deal with it, I feel it,


I feel like people enjoy things and life because I don't know.
I don't know why it's enjoyable.
It's hard, it's really hard.
I think about suicide on a daily basis.
I've never felt more alone in my life.

You don't know how hard it is to live.
To act like I want to live.
To not be able to let anyone know how I really feel without them thinking I'm crazy.
I see everything.
I'm never going to get a break from work for the rest of my life.
Neither are my parents.
Neither are my children.
It's tough.
It's really tough.


I love my daughters with all of my heart, and I fall more and more in love everyday.
But it's hard raising children alone.
ALL ALONE.


Because no matter if I ever get 'alone time', I get eatin' alive by my thoughts.
It's hard for things to be enjoyable.
It's hard to sleep.
It's hard to want to eat.
Everything is just hard.

I know I have to live life for my daughters now.
I feel myself, my soul, who I am fading.
Fading as if it's supposed to be and I'm just supposed to become some robot and just gotta do what I gotta do.
That's not me.
I live every single day, fighting to keep myself.
Fighting to keep myself intact with my soul.
I have a heart, I have my own mind, and it's not easy to keep those.
Believe me.
From trends, to religion, to jobs, to drugs, to love, your soul is at stake.
Moreover, your happiness is at stake.
Your spirit.


And I need to find something, something to trigger my growth.
Something to trigger my happiness again because reality has a hold on me.
Reality is what brings me down every single day.
I don't like being out of my house.
I'm more comfortable at home.
Because I know what everyone is and I know what I am.


I need to embrace this rain and let myself get wet instead of doing everything I can to find an umbrella.