Burn Book

This is like my own personal burn book, of my damn self.

I hooked up with Dose last night which was disgusting, and he didn't know wtf he was doing.
He couldn't even get it up.
He didn't even know how to fucking handle me, he touched me like a little ass kid losing his virginity for the first time.
He had a big dick but that was about it.
He was rolling and it must of been meth based because he couldn't get it up.
It was annoying as fuck.
Like I can tell by the kiss if they know how to fuck or not.
It was a complete waste of time and I just wanted him to leave.


Let me just break it down for you.
Dose is Tony's friend.
Dose is from FSU/NOC.


I used to date and cry about Tony (who is head of NOC).
I fucked Angel (head of FSU).
Lastly I used to fuck Juan (Tony's cousin who used to hang out with all of them).
And now I hooked up with Dose who is associated with both of those guys.
I know pretty scandalous.
In a way I kind of did it on purpose just to jab the knife a little deeper into Tony.
Since that's what he did to me.



Dose asked me about my sexual preference with them.
Tony, good love maker, perfect size, the best, and knows how to handle.
Angel, just has charm but not the best in the bedroom.
Juan, should be a porn star.
Dose, just has a big dick.



This is not something I should share, I wasn't even sure about posting it but then again it's a letter to the editor.
Myself.
To let myself know who I was, and give myself an understanding later when I read back.



I just want to know why I do what I do and don't feel anything.
I can't feel anything not even guilt.
Am I looking for someone to enter but never exit?
Is that why I'm doing this?
Either way, no matter how much I give myself I'm still all alone at the end of the night.


I contemplate suicide more than the average person.






LITERALLY, the only two little things keeping me alive are my daughters.
Honestly, with all sincerity and honesty...I would of killed myself a long time ago.




People can sit there and tell me that they understand or they spiritually switch places with me and can feel my pain.
NO, NO YOU FUCKING CAN'T, YOU DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND AND YOU NEVER WILL.
UNLESS YOU ARE GOING THROUGH THE SAME SHIT YOU WILL NEVER ENDURE THE PAIN THAT I HAVE.
GET THAT THROUGH YOUR FUCKING HEAD, YOU CAN NEVER EVER FEEL THE PAIN OF SOMEONE ELSE.
Ignorant bitches.

You can try but you never will.
I'm not going by some hand book, I don't have anyone to guide me, I don't know anyone who is going through the same thing, I don't have anyone to relate to.
I'm going through this blind, I have no vision of what's to come.
I don't know wtf is going to happen.
I just keep walking through these dark ass tunnels hoping to see the light.
Tunnel after Tunnel it's getting harder and harder.
"Close your eyes and let it crash.'
Yeah, my words to live by.



Everyday of my life is a fucking crash.
You try being completely ALONE raising two babies, paying bills, paying rent, having a full time job, going to night classes, not having anyone to talk to, dealing with car shit, doing and going everywhere all by myself all the time, and living alone.
It's not easy, kids are made by two people because they are meant to be cared for by two people.
Two people are responsible for one kid.
But I'm one person responsible for two kids.
I got double the work, double the load, double the pressure, double the pain, every hardship doubled.
So don't sit here and say to me, I UNDERSTAND I FEEL WHAT YOU FEEL.
Because you fucking don't.
Shut the fuck up, you don't know shit about what I go through on a daily basis.
You don't know what the fuck it's like.
So shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down.

As much as a mess that I am, I'm managing.
I'm losing my mind and my heart, but I'm managing.
Little by little I'm trying to keep myself alive and trying to get myself to want to live.
My daughters give me meaning.
They really do.
I see myself as a problem to people.
I'm always too much for them.
I'm not made for your brain to handle.
I'm not normal and I'm aware of that.
What's exactly wrong with me?
I can't figure it out either.






These are wise words from my favorite artist Eyedea:
"Isn’t a person just a collection of their mistakes, and also their, kind of, undoing of their mistakes? I mean, what else are you? You know, you’re always…you’re always just the reaction to the bad parts of yourself, I think. And I think that’s what is kind of like, a driving motivation behind any human being that’s…who wants to continue to grow and live life. ‘Cause they’re looking at their flaws and trying to, go beyond it. And I think that a person, you know, essentially dies when they think that they found themselves, ya know? Unless you want to admit that you, yourself, are not an individual, and are just part of a whole…movement of ideas, and thought, and culture, and humanity and, furthermore, the universe, and everything -- unless you really feel like that, and you’re walking through walls, you know, you are always trying to find yourself. And it’s usually a person who believes that they’ve found “the answer” -- found “the end” -- that there actually is a psychological end. And then what’s the point of, you know, doing anything after that?