nothing

is more soothing to me than drinking a cup of coffee, listening to calming music, and writing.



there's not one thing in my life that's perfect or even close.
actually everything is all fucked up...but i'm okay and so is my daughter.
we have a roof over our head, food on the table, and getting everything i need for her.
through it all, through everything, all the people who have left me, and continue to leave me and come back, there is one who has always stayed, and taken care of me nonother than my parents...God.
i'm not the best holy roller out there, but i believe because i can see what he's done for me.

from all the friends i had or atleast who i thought was i have none now minus like two. and my signifigant other, well he's there when he wants to be or actually when i beg him to be...and it sucks.
i don't really mind friends leaving and what not, because that's life, that's life after high school.
it's bound to happen at one moment or another.
but the person that i love, and can't stop loving no matter how hard i try just doesn't care, ignores my calls for hours at a time while i sit in a room and cry wondering how i got into something like this...
i just wish it wasn't like this, i wish i had the strength to let you go, but i can't.
because i never leave people, they always leave me.
it's just how it is, and how it's always been.
i have a big heart, and great morals in pretty much every aspect of every situation, i can't leave a person.
because once i start to care for them, i always will.
and Leo well he always leaves, and comes back when he sobers up...

it amazes me and makes me happy when i look at all the baby stuff i have for my little girl, it's so much, but yet it breaks my heart knowing that Leo hasn't bought one thing for her, not one single thing.

i just wish that being with me and having a baby would satisfy you enough to want to be with me or us actually, but it's not and it's never enough.
you're never satisfied...
that kills me and it's something i don't really understand.

when he's at his friends getting drunk ignoring my calls, i cry and cry and cry, vow to myself how i'm going to be strong and leave him for good this time, for good, but yet i sit and wait for his call...
i listen to his excuse and believe it's better to just have him there than to not.
i've never felt more pathetic, i feel like all those girls that were treated like complete shit and confided in me, and i gave them advice to leave their signifigant others, but yet i can hear all that advice til' the persons throat bleeds and yet i take him back everytime...
i don't understand myself.

everything i'm doing now completely contradicts everything i ever stood for.
i use to be so strong and so stern.
but no i'm so weak and so pathetic.

i see it, i see myself for what i really am.
i know.
i can feel it in my bones, who i am, what i'm doing, what i shouldn't put up with but what i do.

there are the mornings that he spends with me, and i try my hardest not to give in but i do, i let him in, and once he's done that, he promises me the world, how much he's going to change and be everything i want him to be and do everything i want him to do...but hours later i get nothing but a voicemail, i get nothing but a "it's just a couple of beers", i get a "i can't talk i'll call you in the morning i feel like throwing up, or "i just did a couple keys thats all, just a couple", or mostly i get the sound of him breathing cuz he passed out on the phone and i'm screaming LEO hoping he'll respond back, and he wasn't even capable of saying goodnight...

this is my life...
but for the rest of my life?
really?
do i really want that?

HELL NO.
i just don't know how to let someone go, i just don't know.
in 8th grade when my first love let me, i cried myself to sleep for a month or more straight.
he promised me marriage.
i loved him more than anything and anyone i've ever loved, and there was nothing but happiness with him, the way love is supposed to be.
yeah, he killed me, after he left me, the person who promised me they never would, and even after we broke up he led me on. and i believed him.
he told me we'd get back together one day, maybe someday, just not today.
so always and forever i had that tiny hope secretly in my head that one day he'd come back.
but i know he's not.
false promises by the male species...how suprised should i be?

i believe to much, i hope to much, i put my hope in people when i really shouldn't.
don't even get me started on the friendship subject.

but anyways, i don't wanna be this person, i miss the heartless/strong person i used to be.
then again, i was on drugs and those enabled me to be that way.

i hope my daughter gives me that kind of strength.
i'm sure she will, because all i will need is her.
hopefully with or without Leo.

28 weeks later, and still no job, still drinking with his friends, still doing coke, still lusting after what you don't have, still the same...

the negatives are never enough for me to let him go, i have a piece of him growing inside of me, and she's going to be out soon...

i'm an idiot.