chaow chaow...

his face was on my pregnant tummy.

yeah sure occasionally when i'm lucky, our times together are okay...momentary happiness.

if it ain't one thing it's always something.

got rid of some of the old bad friends, but he seems to find new ones.

new ones to get drunk and high with, while i'm at home waiting for his call.

yeah, same shit.

i don't think this will ever change and it's just something i need to get through my head.

everytime it's always something about this time that brings me to have hope that it's going to be different.

when in reality it's not.

he'll never change.

the other day he told me he could do better than me.

and that really hurt.

not because he said that with intent to hurt me or anything, but because it's not true.

he's not the one that could do better because he can't, i'm the best he'll ever have.

but it hurts me because i can do better, i have such better options.

but i choose to put myself through all this pain and hurt, with him.

it hurts me that i put myself through all this when i don't really have to.

that's why what he said hurt me, because it made me realize something.

some of the things he says really hurt me whenever we fight, and we've been pretty good about fighting, we haven't really fought lately until like the other day.

but that was one of the nastiest fights we've had in a while.

he said he regrets having a baby with me, he wish i would never have got pregnant by him.

well that one pretty much stung me like a bee.

it still hurts, and he said more thing pertaining to that subject i'd just rather not talk about it.

whenever he takes one step fowards he always takes two steps back.

from day 1.

he works part time at some chinese resturaunt and goes to class, and during whatever freetime he gets...

he spends it with his friends.

and when i cry to him how i want to see him, he considers that 'bitching'.

i was thinking the other day, long and hard about my situation.

not only do i not understand myself but i don't understand some upcoming baby daddies.

for instance;

why is it that when a girl gets pregnant she presses pause on her life and friends, all that she cares about is her baby and her soon to be little family [bby ddy, bby, mmy]

???????????

but with the father it's never the same.

(unless they are GOOD guys)

when it comes to the dad, you have to ask them to spend time with you, you have to tell them the right and wrong things to do, and what they SHOULD do, and you have to basically beg them to want to spend time with you and your pregnant lonesome self!

but WHY?

why are they like that?

why don't they care as much as the mother?

why do you have to ask them to put the pipe down and talk to me on the phone?

why do you have to ask them to leave their friends and spend time with you?

WHY?

why can't they just want that all themselves?

well some girls are lucky and have baby daddies that do that.

but i'm not one of them.

i have the worst kind.

after i give birth to my baby, my parents are giving me 6 months to find a place with Leo.

if not they are dropping me and the baby, and all our stuff off in front of his house.

the day she hits 6 months.

oh joy.

we won't even fit in his house, let alone be able to live there.

i got myself into this mess.

i really did.

the only thing that breaks my heart, is that i have to drag my baby along for the ride.

this isn't exactly the way i pictured my life being at this time.

but i can't really change it now.

i'm pregnant i have to make the best of it.

through all this tourmoil and pain, God brought me the best blessing in the world.

MY baby♥

but she doesn't deserve this life i have for her at all.

and for that i feel like the worst mother in the world...

:'(