you can't

you can't you can't you can't.

you can't always make people want something they really don't want.

let alone beg them to want something they have no interest in.

i gave you chance after chance after chance, probably more than 50 chances.

or even 100 idk i don't keep count, 10 months later and the tears have never stopped.

you make me cry on a daily basis.

everything you promise me you'll be, a few hours later you're ignoring my calls out with your friends, doing drugs, drinking, jobless, going to bars, staying out til' 5 a.m., something of that nature every single day.

you were good for a while.

you really were, i was happy and so were you.

this relationship was progressing and i had hope for us.

but then you started hanging out with those people again.

they started to matter more than me and you're daughter did.

i would stay up all night calling you, and crying over you, just because i always thought the worst.

the worst ideas would come in my head and i would think they happened to you.

instead of thinking logical that you were doing what you always do, i think the worst, like physical harm.

but no, that's called denial...i suppose.

everyday is a constant battle between me and you.

i'm fighting to keep this relationship and whatever little hope i have to make this 'family', and all you fight for is to hang up the phone with me.

it breaks my heart that you use a two hour good conversation that we had against me, like throw it in my face that you did me that favor and talked to me for two hours on the phone.

wow.

i'm so fucking thankful.

i hate you.

we haven't spent time with eachother in over a month.

you know the kind where you voluntarily spend time with me because you really want to, not the kind that i beg you to, or the kind that i constantly "bitch" at you to.

the kind that you used to do anything to spend with me. 

and now it's privileged.

you went with me to one doctor appointment, everything else i go alone.

mommy&daddy classes, welfare, wic, registering at the hospital, everything i do i do alone now.

you say "it has nothing to do with me so why the fuck should i go?"

and yet i claim that i love you.

wow.

the only time we talk is on the phone, we never really see each other really.

maybe once a week MAYBE...

i don't even feel like you're my boyfriend.

my emotional connection and love for you is fading harder and harder day by day.

you're losing me and i'm starting to care less and less.

where are you right now?

you're friend Marks, doing tattoo's and getting drunk with you're friends.

while i'm at home.

story of my life, like always.

i don't want this, i have no desire to be with you anymore.

now i feel like you're just a weight on my shoulder, i don't want to have to feel like i have to worry about you anymore.

i want you to leave out of my life, you're not going to be a dad, well you are legally but i know for a fact you'll be nothing more than biological to my daughter.

i can't handle what you put me through anymore, enough is enough and i have to draw the line somewhere.

you're never going to change if i let you do this to me daily and get away with it.

i love you, but if i stay i'll just break my own heart.

you don't talk to me respectfully, you don't treat me like a queen let alone you're girlfriend, you have no desire to ever see me or be with me. why are we together?

WHY THE FUCK ARE WE TOGETHER?

oh yeah, we're having a baby as you say.

no you dumb fuck I am having a baby, not you, ME!

since day one this pregnancy has effected and turned my whole life around, and since day one you haven't changed you can give a fuck less. 

you've been living the same as you did before you even met me.

the only difference is you have a pregnant girl bitching at you everyday que no?

boy i picked a winner.

you know, the night you told me you were sitting on that crate in the alley drinking a 40 oz. by yourself, i hope you know that was de ja vu...

that's what's going to happen to you.

you're going to be just like the uncle that you hate, his son lives the high life in AZ with his mom, while he's a bum making money recycling cans.

because why?

he didn't want to grow up and be a man, and take responsibility for his actions (his son, and gf), he wanted to be in the calle doing his shit with his friends.

and where did that get him?

you have a prime example of what you're going to become if you keep heading this way, living in your own fucking house!!!!!!!!!!!

what don't you fucking get!

my dad told you, my uncle told you, pick one or the other, your baby and gf or you're friends and the calle?

i didn't know such a question would be so hard to choose from?

yeah because you're a fucking prick.

you're a piece of shit.

i hate you, i hate you, i hate you!

you are the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and i know that i may be saying this out of anger but you really fucking heart me!

you broke my fucking heart!

idk wtf that life has to offer you, but i have the greatest thing you'll ever come across in your whole entire life!

and you're turning us down for what? for what Leo?

everything i'm saying here i've said to you already, and all you do is hang up on me.

we're not even together.

we're not even bf and gf.

so why do i care? why does this effect me?

because i'm letting you go...

and this is probably going to be the hardest thing i'll ever have to do, but if you want this, this family we could be starting, then you'll get it, you'll make it happen.

but by the looks of it, you have other priorites...and that's not us.

hopefully you'll be there when i go in labor, but i really can't say.

i love you and so does you're daughter.

i just hope one day you'll put us first, and if you don't well then that's you're loss.

did you know i still don't have a crib for her, and the last check you got before you quit what did you do with it?

spend it on coke and beer, buying your friends food and gas.

did i get one dime?

nope.

idk, i'm done venting,  just had to get it out to someone nonother than someone who doesn't give to fucks about the words coming out of my mouth.

on a good note, baby shower on sunday!