If the shoe fits

wear it?


I guess.



Getting things all ready for Eves birthday party alone, is really hard.
Going to the new babies doctor appointments alone, is really hard.
Getting an ultrasound alone, is really hard.
Going to family events alone while everyone has a significant other, is really hard.
Watching Eve grow and know so much, is really hard.
Sometimes i have to pinch myself or bite the inside of my lip to stop myself from crying when i go to any of those places.

I sit there alone, and force myself to endure physical pain to stop the emotional.
It's either that or start cutting myself again.
I'm not that emo anymore though.

I'm slowly getting the hang of being a single mother to Eve, being single and alone period.
It gets easier to an extent but the things above don't really get any easier.
Especially knowing i am going to go through labor, alone.
Without Leo to hold my hand or be there to i guess comfort me.
Well thats why i must say hello to God right?
As my mother says he's now Eves father and my husband.

I haven't gotten a call from him.
Leo.
He hasn't called like he usually does.
Well weirdly i got a voicemail but no missed call, asking about how Eve and I were doing.
I deleted it with no intention on saving it or even listening again.
In all honesty i really hope that he's okay.
But i know he's doing his own thing.
Living his own life for him and his benefits, rather than living for either of his daughters.
He doesn't even believe the second baby is his.
Btw, i'm naming her Emilia.

It hurts me, well kills me on the inside that you have no desire to be apart of their lives.
You can talk a big game on the phone telling me, you miss her, you want to see her, you love her.
But what Leo? What are you showing me? What are you doing to get her back?
What the flying fuck are you doing to even try and see her non other than just fucking TALK about it.
Niether of your daughters are going to even know you at all!
Do you care? Does that bother you?
Does that make you lose sleep at night cause i know i lose sleep at night knowing all this!
They never did anything to you to deserve the pile of shit your giving them.
They are innocent and you abandoned them just like your dad did to you when you were a baby.
Don't you know that Leo, what your dad did to you is what you're doing to them?
Not one baby though, two.
Therefore you are so much worse than him!

I remember you telling me something about your grandma's boyfriend's mom living in Mexico and how she's sick and needs your grandma's boyfriend to take care of her.
So they plan on moving to Mexico to go do so.
And what did you say, "If you're not going to be with me, then i'm moving to Mexico with them".
Like really you fucking piece of shit coward!?
I called your house for the past two days and no answer.
I have a feeling something drastic happened.
I would believe you went to Mexico.

If not the other day you told me, "If you're not going to be with me, i'm just going to get locked up".
Another psycho ultimadum.
How pathetic.
Never in my wildest dreams did i think it would come to things.
Never did i think you would do this to me or your daughters.
I was fooled, fooled for two years.
Fooled for a long time.

I wish i could go back and see all the signs.
Sometimes at night i lay in bed and pick apart my past with you.
From today to the day we found eachother.
I pick apart our past trying to figure out where it all went wrong.
The warning signs i knew but ignored.
The conscience i held on mute.
All for what?

You lied to me telling me you had a REAL job, getting paid every week working at a tattoo shop.
I believed you.
 I was going along with it, happily.
Inches of hope for you, for us started to build up in my heart and mind.
I started to believe that i would get my family, and you would get your life together.
I applied for apartments, alone of course.
But deep down, thinking, hoping that you would come with me.
That you were really manning up, that you were really changing.
When in reality, you lied to me.
You weren't doing anything.
But tattoos from home.
Giving them away for free, getting burned, making no money.

I'm gone now, and so are you.

My heart has given up.
The last little ounce of fuel, you used.
Theres no more, i have no more energy to waste on you.
I'm hurt, shattered is more suitable.

Everything that reminds me of you i threw away.
I'm kissing you goodbye.
From a distance, because i don't want to be near you.
I'm too hurt to be near you.
You killed me.
Whatever was left is gone.