Incarcerated.

Yes, the title completely suites everything in my life right now.
I got a collect call from the Indio Jail, turns out it was from Leonardo Castro.
Happy Fathers day right?
The day before Fathers Day and he's in there.

To tell you the truth i wasn't surprised, but i can tell you i was hurt.
When he was telling me why he was in there, he proceeded to laugh with the guys in the backround about it.
Never in my life would i want him in there, the father of my children can give a fuck less about his daughters or me.
It hurts, it stings, it burns.

Especially investing every inch of myself internally and externally to this guy, and getting nothing in return.
I've analyzed our stay at the condo.
Over and over and over until i figured out where it all went wrong.
I'd like to blame myself for confiding in people who lack wisdom of any form.
I took their advice, and believe the disgusting thoughts they'd put in my head.
Whatever they said would make me think negative about Leo, and make me against him.
But why?
Misery loves company.
I take fault for what went wrong there, not entirely but i'm admitting i was wrong for listening to the devils on my shoulder.
If it was Leo and I alone just the two of us I'm sure things would've turned out a lot differently.
This all makes me wonder if he would even be in jail right now if things would've been different or if i wouldn't stayed and just put up with him and fixed it.

Now he won't even be there for Emilia's delivery.
She's due June 17th, Fathers Day, tomorrow.
And Leo is no where near us, he's locked up in a cage.
It's no ones fault but his.
My phone is pre-paid and can't accept his calls anymore unless i set up some sort of payment plan and no way i'm doing that.
I hate to be heartless towards him, but i have no sympathy for him and his current predicament.
He put himself in there, not the cops, not the law, he did.
You're going to be a father of not one but TWO KIDS, and you're selling drugs?
No pity for a coward.
Instead of being a man and getting a real job, with a legitimate paycheck every week or every two weeks you'd rather sit at home and do what's more convinient for you?
He is no 'MAN' in my eyes.
Since we've departed in February, i gave him a list of things that would enable him to get his family back.
He hasn't done one.
He hasn't helped me in any way.
He hasn't changed in any way.
He hasn't even tried.
I know he's waiting for me to just give in and take him back without him earning anything or doing anything.
I haven't, I've stayed strong.
I haven't even had sex in like months!!!!!
That is a record for me!
He was the last person i've had sex with and that was in like February or January.

I went to church today, I'm trying to change.
I'm trying to devote my life to God because he's all i got.
I don't have one friend, not one.
I dont' think they'd be able to give me good advice, because not one understand nor do they even know what i'm going through.
So God is all i've got.
I got prayed over today, and i didn't cry i weeped.
The thing that broke me down was when my pastor put his hands on my stomach, looked me in the eyes and said "we're missing somebody aren't we".
In reference to Leo.
It broke me down into little itty bitty pieces.
I never cry about this to anyone or really even cry about my situation.
I wear a tough exterior, and show the world nothing is wrong and everything is okay.
But deep down inside, i'm so fragile.
I'm hurt beyond words, that Leo would do this to our babies and to me.
But my pastor prayed over me and the girls, and opened up his arms and just let me sobb like a baby.
And i did.

I let go of Leo there, i gave him to God.
He wasn't my burden anymore.
And my day was amazing from then on.
I even enjoyed my uncle Damons graduation party!
And i layed down to put Eve to sleep, then i got the collect call.
I don't understand how you can not care for something so precious and innocent.
Eve doesn't deserve this.
I thank God she doesn't know what's going on.
Wouldn't you do everything in your power to be able to see and be with your daughter if you weren't able to?
Or if there were certain things you'd have to do in order to see and be with her wouldn't you do them?
Wouldn't you clean the mess as quickly as possible in order to see and be with her?
Obviously there is no love there.

I didn't ask for fancy things, i didn't ask for anything really.
I told him the day we departed and everyday after that, if he wants to see his daughter he needs to have a legitimate job.
He never got one.
And when he had a job working under the table for some contractors, I asked him to buy the girls a stroller.
He couldn't even do that for them.
Like for crying outloud i'm not asking for your money, i'm asking for things your daughters need!
No care in the world for your children.
I don't understand a guy like that at all.

My heart, my life, my everything is devoted to my daughters.
I'm even on the verge of deleting all my social network accounts so nothing can distract me from my girls.
I don't understand how such a beautiful little girl, thats from your blood, that's a piece of you walking around this earth, and you care to contribute nothing.

I don't know why i stayed with you.
I don't know why i chose you.
You were that risk, i was willing to take.
You were that place my parents forbid me from going as a child.
You were that hot stove that i had to touch.
You were simply a lesson for me.

I loved you with all my heart and still do.
My love is incarcerated, you have the key.
Deep deep down in my heart, I'll always be waiting for you to change and become the father and man we need you to be.
But that's just the dream in me believing in you.
Logically, i've kissed you, i've kissed any idea of 'us', goodbye.

Instead of climbing out of the hole you're in, you're digging yourself deeper and deeper.
Slowly but surely one day, i'm not going to be able to reach your hand and help you out.
Let alone speak with you.

He called me drunk one day asking to see Eve, then changing his mind about her seeing him due to the fact that he is drunk.
He admitted to me that he was doing tweak again.
I asked him the next day when he was sober and he denied it.
He'll call me wanting to get back with me one call, then the next i get a "fuck you you stupid bitch", then i get the i'm sorry call, then i get the i'm dedicating my life to God call, then i get the "whatever fuck you and you're new vato" call, then i get the i love you call, then i get the i'm having a bad day so i'll take it out on you call, then i'll get the where is your church i want to go to church call, then i get the call from jail.

I don't want to be incarcerated by you or your antics anymore.
I don't want to feel the need to stay and wait for you when you've moved on with the life your living.
Waiting for you to change is like waiting for snow in hell.