Hell No!

So this morning I'm sitting on the floor in my room doing stuff on my laptop for work.
So Eve sits next to me and opens up my little cubicle thing and starts pulling out my old year books.
She pull out my 8th grade year book and starts staring at it.
My 8th grade yearbook has every single 8th graders school picture on the cover of it but really small. And each of us is on it like twice or three times.
So then I hear her say, "Mom look, look it's Tony!"
And she's pointing at his face on the cover of the yearbook.
Then she says, "I miss Tony!" and stays staring at his picture.



Times like that I want to die.
I had a dream about him too last night.
Idk why I feel the need to tell him sorry but in my dream that's what I was trying to do and he rejected it and told the crowd how 'unfaithful' I was to him.
And in my dream I stood up and told the crowd WHY THE FUCK AM I GETTING SHIT FOR BEING UNFAITHFUL TO A DUDE THAT HAS A GF?!
Then in my dream he shut up and walked away.

I hate not having closure with someone or at least resolving whatever issue they have or had with me.
I feel better being at peace with people.
I seen him driving once, and I felt my heart drop to my stomach while beating twice as fast.
If anything could be erased from my memory, it would be him.
He was the devil in my life, and he was also the angel.
He was both, he was a walking contradiction, he was my heaven and hell.
I never hated someone but loved them at the same time.
I wanted to punch him and make love with him at the same time.
He encouraged me and put me down.
He was good for me, but he was also my poison.
He led me on, and was straight up at the same time.
I knew he had to leave my life, but I never wanted him to.
I still don't want him to...

As hot and cold, and as bipolar as our relationship was...that's how my feelings are about him.
One day I hate him and think the worst of him, and the next day I love him and miss him and remember what a good guy he really is.
His ways leave me no choice but to be indecisive.
Like his mood swings, so does my feelings for him.


The last time I was with him, we were laying in my bed together.
He grabbed my face forcefully and proceeded to describe the type of guys I need to stay away from. He threatened me if I were to date the type of guys he described.
He described himself.
And after he finished describing who and why I needed to stay away from them, including him...he rubbed his dick on my ass and fingered me.
And he asked me to kiss on his chest because it felt good.

His mood, his feelings, changed as fast as I took a breath.
One minute he would be choking me, and the next he would be telling me to hug him.


I remember one time we were having sex (which was the best times ever), he was fucking me doggy style and it was going fine and amazing then he just stops.
He stops and makes his way to the floor and starts sobbing, and talking to himself.
Any normal girl would be freaked out and scared shitless, but me...I just wanted to hold him and find out what made him like that.
What dragged him to that floor?
The mystery intrigued me.
No matter how demented, and even weird...I seen it as normal.
I just wanted to do anything to make him feel better, so I just listened whenever he talked and asked him my questions. Because in all honesty I was curious, and I wanted to know everything about him.

From why he stuttered, to why he popped pills, to why he hates his mom, to what his childhood was like, to why he thought he had a small dick (and he doesn't), to why he loved my girls, to why he was in a crew, to why he hung out with stupid boys, to why he called his tia by her first name, to why didn't want me like he did three years ago, to why he slept all the time, to why he drank so much water.

I loved Tony, I can reall go on.
I never loved someone like I love Tony.
He's the father of my dead child.
Mr. Master Manipulator.

He's the only guy I didn't have to dumb myself down just to talk to.
He understood every word I said and for the first time, he taught me things.
Words I didn't know.
For the first time he was the guy that was smarter than me.
And that attracted me so much.
I haven't met anyone else like him, and I don't want to.


Why is it no matter how many faces switch it's still him?
I wish I wasn't attracted but the mind attaches.




He manipulated me to the point that I crave him...months later.