terrified...

I'm terrified of this all just leaving.
This feeling, this moment, but most of all this person.
This bliss, this happiness.
The fact that I can be surrounded by whirlwinds of chaos and still feel solace in your arms.
I can have the worst day imaginable and the moment I'm in your possession, everything changes.
My mood, my feelings, my views, they automatically shift back to where they're supposed to be.
Every part of me becomes at ease.


I don't want to make losing him my biggest fear, because it is.
I'd hate to have you live in my world then leave.
From the start it's been rocky, we've been on the verge of not being together several times before we actually made it official.
Were those signs that I chose to ignore?
Every single part of me is forcing myself to believe he really feels what he feels for me and that everything he professes is true.
But I don't.
I'm trying and trying, but I don't.
I can't feel the truth in his words.
Is my mind that controlled by my past?
Is it wrong of me?
He's hurt me before, but he didn't promise anything before.
But still, I'm terrified.
This is me free falling into the unknown by giving myself completely to him.
If I let him in completely to my deepest darkest secrets, if I show him the what my life was like...is it worth it? Is he going to stay and help me cope and carry on? Does he sincerely care about what I've been through and how it's made me who I am today? Does he care to know how I got that scar? Does he care to know about the first man who broke my heart? Does he care? Or is he just playing the part? Is he just going to stay until he gathers himself enough to not need me?
How do I know that he genuinely cares about my day?
How do I know that he genuinely wants to be with me for more than just a night?
How do I know that my feelings are considered in his daily life?
How do I know that I'm the one you've been searching for?
How do I know that you really love me?
Thats the thing, I feel like I don't know.


He doesn't trust me.
He accuses me on a daily basis.
I guess I can't blame him considering I was texting another guy with the intention of seeing him.
It's not my fault, Andrew basically told me what this was when he was messaging another girl telling her how pretty she was and why she had a boyfriend while he was inches away from me...on my phone.
So when he did that, that basically showed me, he wasn't in this for real.
He didn't want anything serious.
He didn't want me and only me.
I wasn't enough, or I was too much.
It showed me I was just, I was just a joke.
So I carried on believing that's what it was, which is why I talked to Ian.

I don't think anyone understands that doing what I used to do by fucking who I used to fuck, and how I used to fuck them wasn't really what I planned.
Through it all, through everything...I was just looking for someone to love and someone to love me back just as much.
And once a guy lets me know exactly what he wants, I just do that (if I want).
Which is why I was in so many pickles before, was because I was led on.
I was the victim of physical and mind fucks.
The more and more a guy didn't want to be with me more than just one night, the more and more I believe that's ALL they want.
The more and more engrained it's become in my head that I'm just a human that's incapable of ever genuinely being loved and cherished by another human.
How can another soul long and ache for my soul?
How does he see me and more than just a mouth piece or place to release his demons?
I've been neglected for so long, that's all I know how to understand.
I don't understand what someone see's in me.
I don't understand that it's possible that he does really want to be with me.
It's too good to be true, because that's impossible.
I've been nothing to every single person that's ever entered my life, HOW IS THIS ONE ANY DIFFERENT?
HOW DOES THIS PERSON SEE SOMETHING IN ME THAT NO ONE ELSE CAN SEE?
Explain to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I fall for him more and more everyday.
Everything about him is everything that I've ever wanted.
He see's the world the way that I do, he's been down paths I have been down myself, he is in touch with his feeling, he writes, he's an artist, I'm beyond attracted to him, If I could kiss him all the time I would, he's tall dark and handsome just the way that I like em', he has a heart, I want to know everything about him, I want to know about his childhood, I want him to show me life through his eyes growing up, I want to know everything, he consoles me, and guides me to where i should be, he wants to take care of me, he knows how to handle me in every way...
and he's honestly the biggest I've ever had and sex with him is just amazing every single time.
I've never honestly experience multiple orgasms in one session, but he has made that possible.
Possible to the point that I crave him sexually at all times, and only him.
I've had no thought or desire to be with anyone else but him.
Which is very odd.
You must really have a hold on me to be able to control the part of my body I never could.
And he does.
I wish I could figure out what it was I could do to prove myself to him.
I just need him to understand that he's all that I want and need.
I couldn't be happier with anyone else.


I'm just honestly scared to death, terrified that he doesn't honestly feel what I feel.
I'm terrified that everything he says are empty words.
I'm terrified that he just says what he says to say it, until he finds something new.
I need reassurance.
I need to know that I'm feeling what I'm feeling because he feels it too.
I need to know that I'm not alone in this.
I need to know that he's as serious as I am.
I need to know.



I feel that I want him more than he wants me.
Sexually, emotionally, everything.
I don't feel I'm everything he wants.
Idk why.
My insecurities or my fear, or all the girls he has on social networks.
I don't want to be a psycho, but I'm not stupid.
He's tried talking to other girls before obviously.
And the only reason I found out was on accident.
If I wouldn't have found what I found, would he still be talking to them?
Would there be multiple?
And I would be here, resurrecting my heart only for it die again.
He isn't the Reaper for nothing que no?

His name means life taker, my heart is what keeps me alive.
Giving him access to the most sacred thing is what I'm terrified of.
That mean I won't be in control of my fate, he will.
And if he breaks my heart, then I won't live anymore.
So I need to know this isn't a joke.
I need to know your name has no significance to what you plan on doing to me.
I need to know it isn't impossible for the grim reaper to be my hearts keeper.
I need to know that you are still capable of love.


I need to know that my gut feeling is wrong.






I play for keeps and I don't like to share.
I want your undivided attention, I want you to want me and only me, I want your eyes to be craving me, I want my conversation to be the only female you care about.
I don't want to be an option, I want to know where I stand with you is secure and unbreakable.



If this isn't what you feel or want, speak now or forever be deceased...
to me.