And I fall in love with you

Over and Over again.
It's over.


It's a scary thing you know, love and trust.
Whatever those things are.
Those nonexistent things.

I know love because I have known God.
When you love someone it is unconditional, no matter what they say or do to you, you forgive them and love them.
(Not making excuses for choosing time and time again to be with fucking idiots who don't give two shits about me)
But I love no matter what, when you are in my heart you are there to stay forever.
If you have done me wrong, all it takes is an apology to walk right back in to my achy breaky life.
My soft and open heart is my reason for constant hurt though, and I'm fully aware.
My heart is too big for my own good.
I had a good head on my shoulders before after Leo left.
When he left my hope for men left.
And I didn't give two fucks about myself either.
But I didn't allow myself to love, I just allowed myself to play along with their games.
And get called a 'hoe' for doing to them what they did to me, but okay.
I miss that careless part of me.
I miss shooting back with the same trigger.
I miss the old independent heartless Esther.



Andrew has been moving in and out every time we fight.
The cops get called, he beats the shit out of me.
You get it.
I can't trust him and he can't stand it.
I mean this was a while back, we were fighting and I can't really recollect why but I threw his back pack (which had his favorite bong in it) and that shit shattered to smithereens.
As soon as he realized it broke he ran to me and started beating the shit out of me in my face, with full force.
The impacts of his hits made me flip over on the couch and he followed still hitting me.
When I thought was the moment he would stop, he didn't.
I just remember closing my eyes and feeling like I got swept under and taken by a wave. You know when you almost drowned because you go underneath the water at the time the wave is rolling? And you can't see anything and you try to find your way to the top but you can't? Yeah that's exactly what the moment felt like. I blacked out and waited to come up for air, because at the moment...I was lost.
After that he started crying and acting like nothing happened.
Remained talking shit to me, and being cruel as if I deserved it.
He always claims that is all he has to his name and me breaking that takes away his dignity basically.
(BTW the girls are at school and Mila is sleeping)
But he has no remorse and acts as if he didn't just pound my face in.
So I tell him, "Andrew how can you sit there and act as if you didn't just beat the shit out of me? Do you know that is not normal? I know you've hit me almost every time we argue but we never talk about it after. Well this time you beat the shit out of me so it's different. And I'm hear to tell you if any person in the world heard you hit me, they would want to beat the shit out of you. You would go to jail for a long time. Because it is extremely wrong. It isn't healthy, it's not normal, it's a crime. And you just beat the shit out of my face for throwing your back pack. There is something wrong with you to think that it is okay to beat the shit out of a woman who stands no chance against you."
I sat there sobbing in disbelief.
And he sat there in silence thinking.
And he started crying.
And he thought some more, and started sobbing.
He bruised my right eye, and created a blind spot.
I had red marks all over my face and he really looked at my face for the first time.
And he cried, and begged, and pleaded for my forgiveness.
He kept asking over and over if I was okay.
Then every five minutes he kept asking if I was okay and telling how sorry he was, and he couldn't believe what he became, and he's a monster and he doesn't know who he is anymore.
He vowed to never hit me again, and that he was going to change.
From that day forward he took care of me and was really scared of me getting hurt, he showered me with gifts that came in the mail, and took me out to dinner and dates.
He made me feel how I've always longed to feel.
Everything I ever wanted from him ever, the attention, everything, he started giving to me and I loved it.
It's just sad that it took him being scared of me losing my vision to give a fuck about my existence.
So our relationship was perfect, he even put his friends on the back burner, his music, his weed, everything was always about me and our family.
But of course that could only last so long right...


Well when he moved out the few days before this incident, I had added my old friend Adam on Facebook.
No, I never told Andrew because he was just my friend.
Our conversations were left in my inbox and not deleted because they were innocent.
I had nothing to hide.
He had sent me a picture and he's laying down on his stomach and you can vaguely see his ass cheeks.
I thought it was weird and blew it off and Adam said he sent it to all his guys friends.
Still weird.
Well Andrew went through my phone while I was sleeping and came across the messages.
He flipped out and flipped out, and was mad that I didn't stand up for him as my boyfriend.
For not telling Adam off for sending me that and if we're gonna talk to respect my boyfriend and blah blah blah.
I understand Andrew but I didn't because I mean he sent tons of dick picks to girls and received plenty of nudes while with me and I could never get nothing like that from him but okay my one time out weighs his hundred.
But I was innocent, our conversation about his new baby, his family, and our lives were there for Andrew to read.
And me blowing off Adams weird picture was there also.
But Andrew forgave me and that was supposed to be all she wrote right?
NOPE.
After that Andrew had been extremely weird with his phone, sleeping with it under his stomach, and would never hand it to me when I ask him for it unless he does stuff with it for over a minute first.
It was just weird behavior like he used to have our whole relationship.
Which is a red flag for me and indicates something is going on via social media.
And one night he got so dabbed out that he knocked out and left his phone on the table.
I got it the next morning and went through it.
Of course all his Facebook messages were deleted.
So I went through his email (which Facebook sends all his message alerts to his email) aka jack pot.
I found a message some white girl was sending him about them hanging out, and how she needed to get a babysitter first.
I confronted him and his excuse like always was because the messages with Adam really hurt him and damaged his manhood so he felt the need to get me back to satisfy his damaged manhood.
Someone trying to get at his girl like that was something he couldn't handle, so to justify that ugly feeling he needed to do something too.
He claims it was just to make himself feel better, and he wasn't really going to hang out with her.
So like everything else when Andrew fucks up it's because of me.
It' my fault.
I make him do the bad shit that he does.
His words, "Esther everything was fine, we were completely fine, I was being completely faithful and loyal to you until you did that with Adam."
JUST SO WE'RE CLEAR I KNOW BETTER THAN TO ACCEPT SOMEONE BLAMING ME FOR THEIR STUPID CARELESS ACTIONS.
But I let him blame me and I accepted it.
He vowed and promised that was it, and that he was never going to talk to another girl again and BLAH BLAH BLAH.



Just know I'm not stupid, I'm not naive.
I'm just waiting for my exit door.
My way out.
Hopefully when he gets his car during tax season.


But anyways, we got in another fight, because he wasn't sorry for writing to the girl.
He was carrying on with life like nothing happened, and I couldn't fucking stand it.
His prude unapologetic attitude was getting on my last nerve.
Not just that but the night of, he left at 3 am after work to go smoke with his friend while I was sleeping because 'he needed it to sleep'.
BULL SHIT WHAT THE FUCK EVER I FUCKING HATE YOU.
Anyways, so we were arguing when my brother got here.
And I told my brother to take the girls out to the car so they wouldn't have to hear or see.
We were arguing bad and he lost his shit once I got his 90$ bong.
I was going to throw it so he literally lost his shit, pushing and shoving me, throwing me around like a rag doll, there was even a point where he choked me.
But he promised to never hit me again right?
So my brother heard us yelling down the hall and heard me talk about him beating the shit out of me so he called the cops.
The cops came and questioned us, I denied anything other than an argument.
I denied him getting physical.
I was going to take him to work and simply asked (because he always gives his friends rides home and when I need the car I hate waking the girls up at 12 am to go get him when it's freezing) if his friends would ever be able to give him a ride home for once.
He lost his shit and jumped out of the car.
Like a fucking little girl.
So I went home, I'm not chasing a grown man whose gonna throw a hissy fit.
So he came right back to get his stuff, so I set it on the back porch for him.
His mommy came to the rescue like she always does.
And we talked on the phone and argued, and that was that.
It was raining that night so I was worried and hoped he had a ride home.
So I went to pick him up, like a tonta que no?
But he still had the same attitude and cried about how hard work was, and it's even harder when I'm fighting with him or when we have things going on at home.
I understand but still, HAPPY WIFE HAPPY LIFE.
And I'm not a wife yet so I'll never be happy.
Anyways, he vowed and swore everything is going to be different, and he's really seriously not going to talk to any girls no matter what.
BLAH BLAH BLAH.
Same fucking lines just different fucking times.
I just listened and let him talk and acted like I believed him.
And now he's sleeping like a baby right in front of me.




This is it.
This is my life.
Until something changes.
Idk what but I know this isn't love.
I know I don't deserve to be treated this way.
But right now, this is all that I've got to survive.
I will lose everything including my home If I lose Andrew.
So right now, I'm putting up with everything.
Until I get my exit door.
Pathetic, I know.
Sad.




It is what it is, and yes I'm miserable.
Yes I cut myself yesterday so I can feel alive and at least that part of my life I can control.
But this is my life right now, at the moment.
I keep telling myself this isn't forever.
This is just now.


Call me crazy, stupid, call me every name in the book.
Judgement is nothing I cannot take.




To be even more honest, Andrew and I only do doggy style.
Which is cool, I mean it's great.
BUT IT GETS FUCKING OLD AND BORING.
He says I'm too fat to sit on top of him.
He won't feel anything sexually pleasing because I'll squish him.
Because of my size doggy style is all we can do.
And if we do missionary he'll see my fat stomach and that will turn him off.
If I want to do crazy positions and try new things, I need to lose weight or date someone who is 250 lbs + that can handle me.
So our sexual limitations are my fault, and to change that...that's up to me.
So for now, doggy style it is.


Once I heard all that from him, I knew he wasn't the one.
I knew I'm going to leave this shallow fucking ass hole.
This is not no fucking build a bitch work shop.
So I plan on pretending to be happy and love him until, I get enough money to leave him.
But in the mean time, I really want to lose weight.
So by the time 'we can do all those positions', I won't be doing them with him.
He won't get to love my new and improved body.
Someone else will.
Fucking ass hole piece of shit.



That's my plan, call me stupid.
Go ahead, but right now I don't have a choice.
That's what I've been dying to let out because I don't have any friends who give a shit.
My 'friends' only want to be my friends when they need something or if I'm providing food or drinks.
I just have family.
That's it.




Still please, pray for me.
To whatever God you believe in, pray for me please.
I beg of you.
I need strength.