From hickies to bruises

Don't you remember having to fight him off from wanting you so much he had to mark your skin?
That was then
This is now
Having to fight him off from beating me with his fists and leaving bruises on my skin.


To love someone so much you put up with abuse? Or to love someone so much it has become a sickness you're not aware you have?
When abuse becomes normal, and you start to believe you deserve it.
That is sick, sick in the head.
But what about when you know you don't deserve it and you have to try and convince your significant other that you don't deserve it?
But you stay with him after he sobs and apologizes, and begs and pleads he will never hurt you again.
Only to be told a month or two later, that I deserved it.
If I wouldn't have asked that question, or if I wouldn't have raised my voice, or if I wouldn't have nagged, or if I wouldn't have made him feel insecure about his job, or if I wouldn't have angered him, or if I wouldn't have wanted him to stay home that night, or if I wouldn't have looked at him that way...maybe just maybe he wouldn't have hit me or cheated on me.
Just maybe If I wouldn't have spoke up and stay quiet I wouldn't have got hurt, or there wouldn't be any problems.

I have bruises all over my legs, and mostly on my left arm, and the left side of my head.
He threatened to kill me, or to kill himself.
I would say this is rock bottom.
This is the worst.
I've never been this low, or felt this low.
I never felt this trapped.
I've never felt like I couldn't leave him.

Not only that, but I aborted my baby yesterday.
My second abortion in two years.
It didn't really hurt.
But it hurt that I did that to a poor little human who deserved life, but I couldn't give it to him/her so I sent them back.
It's my fault.
I was sitting there thinking to myself, thinking about if the doctors would question the bruises on my legs. But they didn't pay attention, they had more abortions to perform so it didn't matter.
I don't feel I'm grieving the loss of a child, moreover the loss of myself.

I don't know who I am anymore.
Everything I ever was is gone.
Who I was as an independent woman is gone.
I've given all of myself to Andrew only to get not one part of him in return.
For two years he has continued to pursue other woman.
A few days before my abortion he beat the shit out of me, and a few days before he beat me he was pursuing a co-worker...who happened to be in her 40's and a grandma.
I caught them sexting as soon as I got to my moms house to do laundry.
He tried to get angry with me for logging into his texting app, but I mean how could he?
And a week before that some girl he used to fuck felt comfortable enough to message him again.
And a week before that he was messaging some little girl who just graduated last year or this year idk.

But it's my fault, I don't act the right way so that gives him the right to cheat or try to.
If I would act how he wanted I would have a faithful man.
I'm slowly losing my voice.
I'm losing everything about myself.
He is swallowing me whole.
And I continue to stay.
I don't want to go.
I don't want to lose myself.
I'm that pathetic girl that holds on to the rope of hope, while it's hanging by a thread.

I feel like I'm getting shot at over and over and I'm suppose to die or be dead but I keep getting up trying to go on with my life.
All while still being shot.
I'm still fighting, I just don't know for what.
I don't know what is in me that isn't letting me go.
I've been knocked down at an alarming rate, and I'm still up.
I'm still here, hoping and wishing for the best.

Who am I?
Why can't I leave?


I'm miserable, there is nothing left in me to give.
There is nothing left here for me.
I'm drained to the brim, by life and everyone and everything.

I don't want to sit here and wallow but I need to let out how I feel.



I need help, a lot a lot of help.
I need to repair myself.





I need to leave him, I just don't know how.