It's a day I can't really get out of my head so I need to let it out by writing.
It's kind of eating me alive that I've never really been able to tell the full story.
The full story of my twisted and sick love cycle I've been tangled in...
To put it lightly, I got my ass beat.
Like the worst beating by a male that I have ever had in my life.
And it all started because I didn't want his little cousin to stay the weekend at our house because all he was gonna be here for was to smoke.
And I wasn't down for my house to be the "kick it" spot for some little high schoolers and shit.
LIKE NO.
So I told Andrew no, and he lost his shit.
Calling me names, talking shit about my family, all kinds of horrible things.
I can't completely recollect the exact words I told him that triggered him, but I was in my room at the corner of my bed in front of my desk and he just started whaling on me.
I just remember begging him to stop and feeling the hits all over my face and head, and trying my best to block him.
But when that happens, when he would beat me (like i've described it before) it feels like the moment you're pulled under by a wave, and you roll with the wave and try your hardest to get to the surface but the power of the wave kept you under water...and for a brief moment you feel like you're going to drown? Until your hand reached the surface and you take that breath of air.
That's what happens to me when he beats me or that's what it feels like anyways.
When I got up from my breath of air he was done, and trying to contact someone on the computer, so I charged at him from the back and he just pushed me.
I eventually went to the living room trying to grab my car keys and phone, and he followed me. I don't completely remember what was said once again but he charged at me again on the couch...beating me as I begged him to stop. Except my daughter Emi was watching.
He was ripping things, throwing things, and breaking things.
Then he grabbed my cell phone and ran out the door.
Usually I go chasing after him but I didn't this time, it was dead in me...the urge to fight was dead.
So I held my girls and cried, and cried.
At that exact moment, I felt I've really truly and utterly lost myself.
That moment anything about who I am or who I was, is gone.
Esther Leon is diminished.
I felt my world crumble beneath my feet, I had no way to contact anyone...I thought of calling the police but I didn't because my apartments are crime free and if police come to your house you can be evicted. So I got on Andrew MAC and tried to FaceTime him and call him from his computer to my phone. He kept ignoring my calls. I wanted to put an end to this, but I wanted him to be sorry.
I wanted this all to be over forever but I wanted his sympathy, and I didn't get it.
So i knew I had to call someone but I didn't know who.
So I called my parents and my sister.
Within five minutes my parents were here.
Within 15 minutes my brother was at my front door with 6 other guys right behind him.
He said, "Here put in your iCloud info in my findmyiphone tracker, we're going to get your iPhone."
So I did.
I packed an overnight back for myself and the girls, and stayed the night at my parents.
About an hour later my brother was at my parents with my phone, he just told me "We got your phone, don't worry about it."
I slept in my brothers room with the girls, and I kept getting missed calls from Andrews mom.
So I answered, she called to tell me that Andrew was in the hospital because he was jumped so bad.
She thought my dad did it, but he was with me the whole time.
In a horrible way, when I got the news I was happy.
Happy that my abuser finally got his karma.
Happy that the guy who had beat me (the weaker being) finally understands what it feels like to be powerless physically against someone greater than you.
Happy that he was finally reaping what he had sewn.
It was a bitter sweet thing thought.
I didn't want him to be hospitalized I just wanted him to feel what i've always felt.
I wanted him to feel as small and helpless as I always have.
And he did, because he was calling me private.
He was messaging me through a secret account on Facebook. I'll post the messages below.
"I just want you to know that I'm sorry for how today ended,I lost my everything,you and the kids...I'm just a shell now
I just wanted to WOR this new job n get on track.. I just wanted happyness
I miss my life already
I wish I could a just told u let's drop it and hugged you,I wish I would've been the bigger man
Because now I lost everything in this life that ment so much to me
I'm gonna miss mila
I'm gonq miss your daughters, I wish we would've just never argued
Can I just talk to u one last tme
Time
I want say goodbye
I can't sleep without u
Even if I got jumped, I love u
Noting can take that a way
I wish I didn't have tonlose you
Fuck Esther... I miss u
I feel.like I can't keep existing on my own this is the first day and I'm loosing my mind
I can't remember passwords rn my heads all fucked up,I got locked out of my acounts
I changed the passwords so u wouldn't destroy them and now I can't remember Nome of them... I just eat to watch videos of mila..
want
I love u ..I'm sorry
Please resond
Pleaseee
I need u the most rn
I can't do it ,I'm not strong enoug
I want t die
....
Can I call u?
Why can't u write me back"
And after he wrote all of that, he called me.
He cried and begged and pleaded, but I was done.
This was really it, I felt it in my bones that this was really it.
But the tables had finally turned, he was apologizing and calling and chasing and begging and convincing ME!
This time the ball was in my court and he had to play by my rules or he was out, for the first time in our two years of dating...it was about what I wanted
And to me that was the sweetest revenge to have him NEEDING ME for once.
He begged, he pleaded, he apologized, he quit smoking & drinking, and he professed his faith for God.
According to my family I wasn't with him, but after a week I had been talking to him as if we were going to be together and I went to go get him in DHS. He was released from the hospital like two days after his beating I think.
So when he came here, his face was still swollen. He had knots all over his head, he was bruised and busted. I felt bad about how bad he was beaten.
But I was mad that his whole family thought I set him up to be jumped, and they were telling me like my family was in the wrong for taking matters in to their own hands.
As if Andrew never did anything in the first place and he was jumped for no reason.
NO HE WAS JUMPED FOR BEATING A FUCKING GIRL YOU DUMB SHITS.
That's exactly what should happen when any guy puts hands on a woman.
I was batter and bruised, bruised eye, busted lip, bruised nose, and knots all over my head.
I forgot to mention my mom called the cops and made me file a report.
Only to drop the charges a week later like every woman who stays with their abuser does.
For the next few weeks he was a man of God, quoting scriptures and reading the bible with me every night.
Whenever I had doubts and started to lose faith and get sad, he would text me scriptures of encouragement, and preach to me in a way.
He would cuddle me, massage me, carries me, fondle me, I was literally treated like a queen by him.
He had finally become the man I've always wanted and hoped and prayed for him to be.
He was everything I ever wanted, but why the fuck did it take this to get him to finally be that?
It took me getting beat and him getting beat in order for him to wake the fuck up and smell the damn coffee?
That finally made him realize he had a good ass woman who loved him and wanted the best for him? Like really?
I mean it's been going on 4 months now that he hasn't physically harmed me, or verbally assaulted me. Which is a world damn record.
He has stayed consistent with his promises actually, and I'm mind blown.
Of course any woman in her right mind would have left, and believe me I wanted to.
I was going to contact shelter from the storm and MAKE MYSELF LEAVE HIM.
But I couldn't, something in me can't leave him.
And I know abused woman always see the good in their abuser, and I'm sure that's what I did.
I seen him for what's he's become rather than what he's always been to me.
I'm not ever going to sit here and lie to myself and say, he is the man of my dreams I'm the happiest woman alive blah blah blah.
Because I'm not, I'm far from it.
I have doubts every single day about him, about myself, and my decisions.
But that's the thing, they are my decisions.
Two weeks ago was my birthday, and he took me to pick out a wedding ring.
Call me stupid call me naive because I'm not going to doubt you one bit, but I'm set to get married next wednesday October 12, 2016.
But then again he and I have been setting wedding dates all year long and something always happens to stop us from getting married.
To sit here and to honestly tell you the truth, I can't see it.
I just can't see it in my head.
There are many things I can picture happening but marrying Andrew was never one of the things that I could see and idk why.
His mom says it's the devil who keeps stopping us because our relationship and life is cursed because we are "living in sin" until we are married.
But I'm not sure it's that, I think in my head...I've always pictured life with someone else.
and deep down I've always wanted him to come sweep me off my feet and save me from my doom with Andrew.
And maybe that's why I keep putting my marriage off.
Maybe I'm waiting for someone who is never coming? Maybe I'm waiting for something to happen that's never going to happen?
Meeting you was merely a curse.
I know my story has taken an awkward shift, and it's because a part of me loves someone who will never love me.
I want someone to care, that will never care.
In his absence I've only suffered.
And nothing I've ever gone through will get his attention enough.
I can write a whole novel about him, but that's for another time.
Just pray for me, or pray that God intervenes if this isn't his will.
I just don't want to suffer anymore.
I want to finally be happy, I think after everything I deserve to be happy.
But genuinely.
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