I'm supposed to

Hate Tony but I don't.

I think about him a lot, almost as much as Leo.

Even though, he did what he did to me and I did what I did...I feel like he's one of the only people who understood me and seen life similar to the way that I see it.

I could talk to him for hours and hours on a daily basis becaus of our conversation because we're both smart.

And it was nice finally being smarter than the guy I was talking to.

I miss him but I don't but I do.

I can honestly say in a twisted way, I loved Tony.

And in a way I think it was a blessing in disguise that I had a miscarriage.

Because God knows I wanted to have his baby with all my heart and soul, but not now.

I'm not ready for another baby, maybe a few years settled into my career with a house under my name and when I can afford a baby. But not now.

I'm glad I've found my voice, because I felt that way all along but never voiced it because I didn't want to lose him or I just preferred what he wanted.

But I woke up and realized it's MY life and I need to see it that way.

And I have been.

I've been a lone wolf, I don't talk to anyone or hang out with anyone ever.

Other than my family, all my friends are dead.

And I just talk to Saul here and there over the phone.

He's the other that understands what life is about, my best friend...

I have bite mark scars on my neck and chest from Tony, but on the bright side...

I'm just glad Eve finally stopped asking about him.