Not sure.

I can say that today of all day, in all my day I don't have the slightest clue who I am or better yet who I'm suppose to be.
I know everyday I'm a; wife, mother, nurse, confident, friend, chef, maid, masseuse, cosmetologist, teacher, sexual deviant, librarian, nurturer, and not one of these things can satisfy you.
The only person whose attention I care about, or the only person whose opinion matters.
To you I'm a bore, or in your words "lame as fuck".
I wake up every single day and give my all to him and my children.
Everyday I live to serve other people.
That is all I'm made of.
Things to make everyone else happy.
If the ones in my home are not happy, I am not doing my job right.

I do nothing for myself, nothing to remind me who I was before my kids or my husband came about.
Nothing I do on a daily basis is to serve myself.
Nothing I do is merely to make myself happy.
I just make sure my home is happy.
That is what being a mom is all about right?
And being a wife?
Submitting yourself to your husband.
I feel myself somewhere inside of me begging to come out.
Begging to do something for myself and my future.
Whether it be working or going to school.
I want something in this life for me.
For me to have and be proud of.
So far today, I cleaned the kitchen, mopped the house, did the dishes, and currently have dinner on the stove.
Dream big.

I've done everything in my power to make sure what I say or do on a daily basis doesn't upset you.
I close my mouth and seclude most of my thoughts, because I don't want you to be uncomfortable.
I'm dying inside, dying.
FUCKING DYYYYIIIIINNNNNGGGGG.
And I don't have a hand to hold, or someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be all right.
WE ARE GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS.
I don't know that I'm beautiful, or desirable, or attractive, or interesting.
I am no ones muse, but I am someones wife.
If I don't text my husband first he won't text me.
He won't ask me how my day is or try and get ahold of me.
I cannot hold that mans attention.
But he says he loves me, and I'm the only one he wants.
And I'm the best wife and mother.
And I treat him the best, and he loves his life.
Yes, I would love my life to if I were you.
But do you love your wife?
Do you love her love her?
Do you look forward to seeing her everyday?
Do you count down the hours until you are off work?
Do you crave her body?
Do you want to know what she is thinking?
Do you want to wipe her tears?
Oh.
That is too much to ask.
Work is tough and you have to come home to this.
You spent your day off with me on your phone the whole time, but shouldn't that be enough?



I can't help the thoughts in my head that constantly attack me.
Or the constant self doubt the intrudes in any daily life activity.
Let's just say, I've never actually caught my husband in the actual act of cheating.
But one girl finally admitted to having sex with him.
While I was at a womans retreat with his moms church.
I left to a womens retreat for two nights and three days(a month after I officially decided to get back with him because he was going to change blah blah blah.)
Well every night that I would call him I had such a bad horrible feeling.
Mind you, for whatever reason the kids didn't stay the night with him those two nights the stayed with my mother-in-law at her house and he slept alone at our house.
Because work and he had to clean or he wanted to smoke whatever it was.
I thought that was weird.
I just wanted to talk to him but he didn't talk back, and was short, and kept wanting to hang up the phone.
And I voiced to him telling him he was acting weird, and if he was telling the truth.
He told me time and time again I was crazy for suspecting and even thinking he would do anything to hurt me.
So when I came home from he trip and found a trace of nothing, I thought wow he's a fucking good guy and I'm just a crazy messed up in the head ass bitch.
So that was that, I never thought anything of it.
Other than him making me feel bad for finding nothing when I came home.

Two months later we were married.
And Andrew really whole heartedly seemed like he was a changed man.
He was even trying more with the girls.
But my wedding day, we got married, did a photoshoot at the park, and then spent the evening alone on a date.
To me I soaked up that whole day, I absorbed every single ounce of that day soaking in the fact that this man in front of me was now my husband.
I can remember days and weeks before our wedding date I cried to him and spoke with him about how serious marriage was for me. And how much it meant to me, and if he was sure he understood the art of marriage.
He told me time and time again it meant just as much to me as it did to him.
So to me, this was it. This was finally his and my time, our time to just be happy together.
It was finally here, just him and I and our new chapter, and our new life, and our new little family.
To me, after my wedding day...Life was finally fucking beautiful.
I felt I had everything I needed, and I felt my husband finally only wanted me.
I felt he was finally happy too.
So me finally being happy with my life, I got energy to want more for myself and my life.
It was finally here, I was so fucking happy I was ready to want better for myself.
I was ready to be who I've always pictured myself being, HEALTHY AND SEXY!
So i started going to the gym every night with my sister, and I loved it.
I loved my new life, I was married, my husband loved me, my kids were excelling in school, my husband got an awesome job, like fuck life was perfect!!!!!
I finally felt my old self coming back, it was such an amazing feeling.
Financially we were doing good, my relationship was doing so good, I was finally losing weight, like life was perfect.
I couldn't believe it, I had such a content feeling like I never have before it was insane.
I thought to myself, wow so this is what it's like to be married. I loved it.

Well, knowing my luck and my life...happiness can only last so long.
On December 3rd, I went through my husbands block list (which I would always do from time to time) and he had just blocked some girl he use to talk to.
So I asked him about it, and he said she tried messaging him and she's crazy and is just jealous because she wants him and can't have him.
So I said okay well I'm going to message her then and see wtf she wants!
He said "No don't, she's just a liar if she tells you anything it's all lies because she wants me and I turned her down."
So I messaged her, going against his wishes.
She told me they had been talking, they had even hooked up back in August, he stayed the night, and he keeps pursuing her using a fake Facebook account.
Of course he denied everything.
Well she sent me screen shots of everything.
EVERYTHING
From July 2016 (a month after he beat me and right after i took him back) to December 4th (a month and a half after we were married and I was under the impression we were happy and doing good) he had a secret Facebook account A-FUCKING-GAIN!
He still denied everything, but the dates of their messages were literally going on every month since July.
And he finally admitted it.
Begged and pleaded for his life once again.
And BOOM, I was gone.
The woman I became, the happy woman who finally found herself.
I was gone in an instant, I shriveled back into the girl who was nothing again.
The girl with zero confidence, the girl who was worth nothing all over again I was here.
I just thought to myself, wow my wedding was a fucking lie, my happiness was all fucking fiction and fabricated.
HIS VOWS WERE SHIT AND FUCKING PISS.
Gone, gone, gone, ashes, ashes, and she fell down.
DOWN.
I had gone away.

But I was married now, so married people are suppose to fix it until they absolutely can't fix it no more.
I tried to keep my composure, but I couldn't.
I would lose my fucking mind every now and then, and well I still do.
To be honest, something did strike him.
During Christmas time.
He has dedicated his life to his family and me, but mostly to the kids.
He's become such an amazing father, it's hard to hate him.
It's hard to leave him, because I just think of him leaving them.
I'm just here, he tries with me to.
More then than now though.

And to be quite honest, I put up with a lot of shit.
A lot of disrespect, and well some abuse here and there.
One drunken night in February I had to fight a knife out of his hand while the kids were sleeping.
He was drunk and threatening to kill himself.
Of course after he hit me, kicked me, slapped me, and pushed me.
It's April and it still hurts to bend my left leg because he hurt it some how.
But I have no way out, I don't know how to get out.
I don't know where I would go, or how I would have money to provide for my kids.
I have nothing but him, so I stay and put up with everything he does to me.
I am miserable and I am screaming on the inside everyday, trying to swim to the top to catch a breath every now and then.
It's hard, it's really hard.
But I'm also trying to find myself again and be happy.
Of course with all the thoughts and possibilities of him cheating again in my head every single day.
Imagine that.
Being emotionally, physically abused, all while trying to fight off the negative possibilities but are logical because they've happened every single time.
I can't tell anyone, because I don't have anyone.
I don't have one friend that I can call and say I need help.
Because they've all left me for one reason or another I don't even know to be honest.
So this is the only outlet I have to vent.
To cry out for help to those who can read.
To acknowledge my pain and come to terms that I am still under the authority and power of my abuser.
I lay next to him every night, and I also understand to him everything is my fault.
I know I am a victim of physical and mental abuse, in which i have been enduring for 3 years now.
Seems like a small number right? 3 measly years.
I don't think he'd ever kill me, but then again I can't really say that his rage won't ruin his life.
Because it has before.
How does one leave? Once who has everything to lose and nothing but freedom to gain?
I have 3 little girls to take with me.
The world will only see me as a burden.
Most days I just wish I could kill myself.
I know what love is supposed to be like, and marriage.
I know that I have neither.

It's easy to tell someone what they should do with there life, but it's another when the situation is yours.

I am here, and you are there.



I can honestly say, true love does not exist.
Love is merely a myth, an idea, or moreover a fairytale.
Romantic love is propaganda.
I only know love because of God, and how I feel about my family and children.



Pray for me, that I get strength to beat this monster and come out alive.