OF MY HEAD.
I hate that the person I'm with is similar to the person I was married to.
I guess that's my subconscious picking for me right.
As different and as new as this person is, and how he is not Andrew at all...
He still shares similar parts of him.
And they're only the toxic parts.
I thought the grass was greener, and it was it very much is.
But I also learned grass is grass.
I simply chose grass again.
So here I am with all these repressed feelings, and all these things that I have to hold inside because I don't want to upset him or make him annoyed with me or I don't want him to not see me as punishment.
We've been together since November of last year, so for 9 months.
And it has been the best and most excruciating union I've ever had.
To tell you about him, he's a Libra.
He's two years older, he has two jobs.
He is extremely responsible.
He's tall, dark, handsome, has a dad bod, and an extremely broad back/shoulder blades.
He's sweet, caring, and makes me feel like such a woman.
I talk to him on the phone for hours, we literally laugh and joke most of the time.
I have fun with him constantly, except on the days I don't see him for long periods of time.
Then things get hard, and times with us get tough.
And my mind wanders far and wide, and mostly because I don't know what he's really doing.
If you know me, you know sex is a very big and huge part of me.
I thought (before him) I somewhat knew pleasure and had my whole sexual identity filled out.
He came into my life and just tore everything down, and moved everyone that was on any type of ranking in my life and placed himself there.
There's not second best or third, it's just him.
He takes it all.
He's not a selfish lover at all, he makes sure I am pleasured every single time.
As I do him of course, but i've always been a giver because that's all I've known.
He has made my body, mind and everything feel things I've never thought.
I mean we make love often, and to me I've never experienced anything so powerful and intense and sensual and I've never felt so close to someone.
I felt the love exchange, and I know that sounds corny but I'm serious.
We can go from making love to fucking, but there is a difference.
And he makes sure I always experience both.
He's super fun, and completely open minded especially in the bedroom.
Anything I want to try we try, and anything he wants to try we try.
And it works out.
He doesn't make me feel weird, or stupid.
I mean literally every single body fluid you can imagine, him and I have shared.
I am always always always completely naked.
He will literally kiss my body from head to toe, and I've never felt so loved before.
No one on this planet can fuck me like he can, no one.
Not my husband, not the guy I've been seeing for 10 years...NO ONE.
"With the part of my body he rules, it's always a must".
As amazing as my sex life with him is, that's the only perfect part.
That's it.
He has a girlfriend, and I know and have known.
But I am also his girlfriend.
I'm his 'other girlfriend'.
I'm the one that knowingly comes second.
Yes, I have become who I hate.
I became the girls who caused me pain, and tore my family apart.
But the sick/sad thing is...that because of how much I sexually need him, and he treats me well and I like him...I'm willing to put up with it.
As long as he makes time for me, and see's me...I'm okay with the arrangement.
I'm find, waiting around until the next time I see him.
That's where it gets sticky.
Because he's my "boyfriend", but I'm not a priority.
So a lot if not everything, I have to go through by myself.
He's came to my rescue time and time again.
Whether it be me being too drunk, to me being suicidal...he's helped me through a lot.
Some of the darkest times of my life, but he's also not been there.
I feel if I do really have a 'boyfriend' I shouldn't feel so sad all the time.
I shouldn't feel so alone.
I shouldn't feel like I can't tell you anything.
I shouldn't be scared to tell you anything because I don't want to annoy you.
You should care about me genuinely instead of reminding me of the things you did for me and throwing them in my face.
I shouldn't have to hold back and repress who I really am to keep you happy.
I just feel like as good as this is and as much as it makes me momentarily happy that's what it is.
Like a drug.
You're high for the day, or the moment.
But once it goes away, you have to deal with the come-down.
The side affects.
And they don't subside for a while until you get your next dose.
Are drugs good for you? No.
But don't drugs make you feel amazing?
Don't drugs help you escape reality?
YES.
When it's just him and I, I realize how much I like him and just wish the day never ended.
But I always has to end, and when it does he's gone.
I can only talk to him during certain times.
And he works two jobs so he's always tired.
And I have no choice but to accept it and understand.
That even though we haven't exchanged much words, he needs to sleep.
And I can't scream and cry, I just either can deal with it or leave.
And I stay.
Through the pain, through the loneliness, through the coming second, through the 'you don't have that right'.
And to just share my truth, him and I started talking in October.
Seeing one another in November.
If you do the math, I was still living and with my husband at those times.
Andrew didn't move out until December 9th.
Then he moved back January 9th until the end of March because we were trying to work it out.
But on the days that Bowser would come over, I'd start a fight with Andrew and make him leave.
Or just tell him we need space, or create some kind of excuse to make him go sleep at his house with the girls.
There was one night where Andrew was down in the dumps, he really needed me. He was on the verge of losing his job and he was depressed and sad and all he wanted was for me to be with him and watch Netflix or a movie...or just cuddle.
But instead my coworkers including Bowser were all going out, and I didn't want to miss it.
So Andrew begged me to stay home with him and not go, he begged me to stay because he needed me.
And I left, to hang out with coworkers and do stuff with Bowser in his car afterwards.
There were so many instances where I put Bowser before my husband, and any opportunity I had to see him I made sure I did.
I didn't care, because I figured Andrew did xyz anyways so he deserves it.
So I was nonchalant and didn't think Andrew was serious about us, so I didn't care either.
And then and then, when I lost him I was surprised.
I'm not saying it was all my fault because Andrew has done so much SO MUCH to end us, but I am saying it was me too.
I let go, and I am also the cause of my own heart ache.
Whether it was self sabotage, or whatever it was...it was my fault too.
Instead of putting 100% into it at the end I put 25%.
And I think that's why I hate myself so much right now, because it was me this last go around.
I don't know if i would've been different if it would've worked out, but I beat myself up all the time.
A huge part of my depression, and suicidal thoughts stem from that.
My marriage.
Then again that could've been another tactic.
Andrew had recently told me we didn't work because when he needed me most I wasn't there (referring to that night).
And since then it's eaten me alive.
And idk if it was a manipulation reverse psychology tactic but it worked.
And I'm here.
Settling, dealing, and wishing death upon myself on a daily basis.
I can't really blame or pinpoint where my depression and obsession with suicide is stemming from.
I'm just sad, it comes and goes.
I'll be fine, and happy for days on end and then something will happen inside and I'm gone.
The happy girl who wanted to live so much, is not the sad girl who wants to die.
And I stay stuck in my house, my dark apartment all alone.
My coping mechanisms aren't healthy.
I either drink, do coke (which gives me more anxiety), cut myself, engage in sex, starve myself or start to look to dark forces for direction.
I can't cut myself anymore because Bowser said he'll leave me if he see's another cut.
Everything else I can't really afford.
But yeah.
I'm a mess.
And I'm trying to be happy and nothing is working.
No matter what I do, I'm still sad.
And I don't know why.
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