Tired

 I'm tired but I am not.

I am so sick and tired of this fucking life.

Of the goddamn cards I've been dealt.

I'm so tired of having to shred myself down to nothing of who I am, to keep someone...happy with me.

"BE A LITTLE LESS OF YOU, ERASE YOUR TENDANCIES, OH NO DONT SPEAK YOUR THOUGHTS OR OPINIONS, JUST BE HOW I WANT AND TALK WHEN SPOKEN TO."

That's where I'm at right now.

But he opens doors for me, and takes me on extravagent trips, and he takes me on amazing dates, and he buys me everything, and fucks me amazing, so so so I should tolerate it right?

Me speaking out against his shitty way of treating me is me being a "brat" or "spoiled".

But this one is a hitter too.

The swelling on my face is barely going down, and the bruises are losing their color.

But I deserve it because I made him mad, or I made him jealous.

I don't fucking know.

But this is what I've always deserved.

I'm becoming so unhappy, I'm really thinking about breaking up with him.

Even though he was the first man to ever court me, take me out properly, make me feel loved, and spoil me...I fell it's all a distraction.

For what he really is.

That is the façade.

He is very similar to Andrew, and I hate to say it but it's true.

I get triggered so easily, and his arrogance I can't handle.

I'm just tired, so very very tired.

He always tells me "I feel like I've lived so many lives", no mother fucker I HAVE.

He has no idea what real life is like, what having the weight of the world on your shoulders feels like.

I just don't know what to do.

I know If I break up with him I'll be extremely lonely, severely depressed, I'll miss him tons, but I don't know. 

Will I be better? Happier?

I just don't want to feel this, or deal with this.

I feel like I'm losing myself again, just in a different way.

I'm not me.

I have to lie so many times, and agree with him.

Or admit my "wrongdoings" when I know I'm not in the wrong.

But to avoid conflict I have to just bite my tongue and agree.

I don't think I can do this anymore.

I'm not built to be treated like shit.

I want someone to not want to see me hurt anymore, and take care of me.

Not someone who does the hurting.

I'm at my limit.

I do love him, I love him very much.

But I know he doesn't love me, just as the one before him didn't.

"I was married for two years. I knew it wasn't going to work. I knew it wasn't going to work out the moment that I said yes. I knew it wasn't going to work out when I moved to Austin...for him. I knew it wasn't going to work out as I walked down the isle. But I went through with it. And it didn't work out. Now, ignoring all that...would make me destined to repeat it."